


We Won't Wander Alone

by SamanthaStarbreaker



Series: Wanderverse [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: CW: Dirk Strider's Transphobic Bullshit, F/F, Not Epilogue Compliant, Trans Female Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-06
Updated: 2019-09-30
Packaged: 2020-10-10 22:57:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20536007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SamanthaStarbreaker/pseuds/SamanthaStarbreaker
Summary: It's been eight years. Somehow it seemed like it'd be longer. Terezi and Vriska return from the outer reaches of paradox space, and Earth C will never be the same again.Now complete, with a sequel in progress!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the June Egbert Jam! Credit to Varynova for beta-reading and putting up with shenanigans!

It is the 14th of April, and a young man is shifting cardboard boxes in his bedroom, taking frequent breaks for Twitter posts. His intermittent laughter echoes through the halls of an empty house, maybe further. The very breeze itself seems to feel his fleeting amusements and his ever-present ennui. If only we knew his name.

==> Be John.

Your name is JOHN EGBERT, and you are currently moving out of something that ISN'T, BUT APPROXIMATES, your childhood home. You've taken all the posters down lovingly, disassembled your desk, folded up your impressive array of nigh-identical shirts, and packed it all into moving boxes. This process would have taken anyone else something on the order of 12 hours. You are approaching your third day. Truth be told, you're RATHER MELANCHOLY over the whole ordeal. You have godlike powers now - powers above the divine, even. If you really wanted to, you could have had everything packed and teleported to your new apartment. It'd arrive before you left, even. But it's very hard to leave this place for good. You know for a fact that when you leave here this time, you'll never be back, but what you don't know is what you are outside this place. You're not even sure what you are inside it, but leaving throws it all into a much bigger perspective. After all, you've spent about eight years here - not even counting the time before SBURB. 

You shouldn't feel so philosophical about it; it's not even your house. Not really. Skaia let you create your house, down to the most trivial of remembered detail, when you cheated Earth into continued existence - so naturally you did. As did Jane. Her house and yours just happened to be literally the SAME HOUSE from different timelines. When you both willed the same house into existence with only minor differences, Skaia figured the best course of action was to just merge the two into one house, replacing your dad's bedroom with your own. It's got a twisted sense of irony like that. For a while, the two of you just put up with it. After all, you're not the kind of person who really leaves their room much. Both because your INTERESTS could safely be pursued within the confines of these four walls, and because you didn't enjoy running into her that much. Not that you had anything against her at the time; you're fairly confident she was a decent person at heart. It's just that you felt far, far more trapped when you saw her. Not physically trapped, but narratively. You really don't know why; your issues ruined what could have been a good thing. It could have been nice having her around. She's the only person on Earth C that could even hope to hold a PRANKSTER'S GAMBIT over you.

You say hope, of course, because it never actually happened. You tried once or twice to start a pranking battle, but it always ended up fizzling out fairly quickly. Plus, once Jane restarted Crocker Corp, she ended up spending all her time on that anyway. You count them as wins, though. You're simply the best trickster god there is, and that's all there is to say on the matter. While you're on that train of thought, you log back into Twitter and resume your USUAL ROUTINE: you send out a string of EERILY ACCURATE METEOROLOGICAL PREDICTIONS with one UTTER FALSEHOOD in the mix. Are your forecasts useful? Maybe, maybe not, but you know for a fact that they're entertaining. At the very least, you definitely want people to be entertained.

You can only prank the entirety of the planet for so long, though. The boxes can't speak, but their silence fills tomes. No matter how much you procrastinate it, there's moving to be done. You walk down the stairs one at a time, the boxes trailing behind you on the wind. You check each room of the house methodically, almost committing them to memory as you go. Will this place even exist when you're gone? You know logically that it will; reality doesn't work that way. Still, your reality doesn't always feel… real. You even pick up a couple of cardboard stragglers along the way. You almost left them behind! That's okay, though; a flick of your wrist and they join the boxnado. You extinguish the fire in your hearth with the breeze, wave the boxes out the door ahead of you, and turn off the lights. As you lock the door behind you, your hand lingers on the handle, testing tentatively if it's still solid. Yep. Nothing to be worried about after all.

==> John: Ascend.

Your new apartment is kind of ridiculous. You would have been fine with any old one-bedroom; all you really wanted was to be here in New Seattle proper, where the people are. The building manager wasn't having any of it, though. They insisted - with vigor - that you take the penthouse, a sprawling four-bedroom complex with a wraparound balcony. The people here on Earth C really spoil their creators. You guess it makes sense, but it's still unnerving. You're not really into the whole divinity thing. You just turned 24; you're barely even an adult, let alone a god. The balcony is a nice touch, though. It's nice to be able to land and take off easily. Your boxes pile up right inside the glass doors to your living room, and you start with the most important one. The one labeled "Decor." The whole apartment is really tastefully decorated, even without your intervention. It's almost like a furniture gallery, or maybe a modern art museum? Either way, it makes you feel like if you sneeze hard enough, it'll all fall apart and you'll be caught red-handed on the security tapes. The main walls are brick, but painted grey, and there are plenty of accents in the color Earth-C crayons call "Egbert Blue." It needs some art, you decide. 

You start with your movie posters. You have a couple of the old standbys; Con Air and National Treasure will never get old. But thanks to Dirk and Roxy, you have a huge library of the movies made in your future. Or Earth's future, anyway. Pacific Rim? Golden, even with that really unfortunate choice of robot names. A Ghostbusters reboot, but all women this time? Amazing! And you're fairly positive that no living room is complete without at least one poster for The Shape of Water. Yes, this is starting to come together nicely. You grab a beer from your kitchen and keep going.  
The room is about halfway complete when you get a Vriscord ping. Checking your phone, it's exactly who you expected it to be. You open Vriscord and check your DMs from Terezi.

UnseenJustice is typing...  
  
UnseenJustice 1:03pm  
Heeeeeeeey, John. It's 8een a while. Sorry to have kept you w8ing, 8ut I need your help.  
EctoBiologist 1:03pm  
holy shit, vriska? where's terezi? are you okay?  
UnseenJustice 1:04pm  
She's here. 8ut she's in 8aaaaaaaad shape. I don't know if she'll make it all the way 8ack.  
EctoBiologist 1:04pm  
how bad is it?  
UnseenJustice 1:04pm  
She hasn't eaten in weeks. She's skin and 8ones, John. I think........ she wanted to die.  
EctoBiologist 1:04pm  
you have to get her back here quick, vriska! if we can't save her jane can bring her back!  
UnseenJustice 1:04pm  
I'm on my way.  


You run as fast as you can to the local hospital, forgetting you can fly in all the confusion. The head ER nurse, a lanky carapacian, hears you out before barking orders to her subordinates. In less than ten minutes, you have a medical team waiting on the roof and Jade on the phone. Soon, you have the best medical specialists on Earth C and four gods all working together to pull off this rescue. Rose, Kanaya, and Jade are working together to shrink the space between the two trolls and Earth, or at least you're pretty sure that's what they're doing? You've never been quite clear on how everyone else's powers worked. Either way, it seems to be working, because before you know it a sobbing blur of blue and orange is spread out on the helicopter pad, and Terezi is being scooped up by the EMTs and rushed downstairs. You consider going with her, but frankly you'd just be useless and get in the way of the people who actually know what they're doing. You'll be by her side as soon as the doctors say it's safe, but in the meantime you go sit down next to Vriska, who shifts to lean against you.

JOHN: vriska, you're alive! you're okay! it's really, really good to see you.  
VRISKA: It's........ it's good to see you too, John. Is she going to make it?  
JOHN: yeah. she's definitely going to make it. you got her back just in time.

She only responds with a sob, burying her face in your lap. Jade, Kanaya, and Rose are watching the scene with suspicion, but you manage to give them a series of looks and head motions that basically say "I've got this all under control here." They back off, but Rose gives you a look that you know from experience means you're having a long and thorough talk later. She's right, of course. You don't have anything under control at all. You don't know what to do in this scenario; comforting traumatized alien girls you've had a massive crush on for years isn't really a subject that came up in conversation. You settle for running your hand down her back with a shooshing sound. It'll be okay. You're more convinced of that than ever; it'll be okay.

==> Be the other girl.

Your name is TEREZI PYROPE. The last thing you remember seeing was Vriska Serket. After sweeps of searching, you finally found her. After that, it gets fuzzy. You currently have NO IDEA WHERE YOU ARE, but everything smells white and sanitized. You're on some kind of soft platform supporting you. A human recuprecoon perhaps? You remember Dave telling you that this is what humans used to sleep. Other evidence includes a very human-sounding voice from your right. You can smell the bright blue dork, and it warms your bloodpusher to know that Egbert decided to annoy you back to health. 

You try to use your voice, but it gives out on you. Your throat makes a noise like a strangled Earth cat instead.

JOHN: terezi? don't try to talk. the doctors say your throat can't take it yet. it'll be a few days.  
VRISKA: I can't 8elieve it, Pyrope. You spent four sweeps looking for me???????? You could have taken a 8r8k. Even just for food and water. Or to, I don't know, 8reathe? You did know you couldn't 8reathe in space, right, Redglare?

John reaches out and shooshes her, and to your surprise, you can smell her leaning into it.

JOHN: what she means to say is thank you. it's good to have you back, terezi.  
VRISKA: That's not what i meant at all, Eg8ert. :::;) If I wanted to thank her, I would.  
JOHN: you totally did and you're just scared to admit it.  
VRISKA: Sc8red? Me???????? John, you're going to eat those words.  


The two of them keep bickering back and forth, and you find the sound relaxing as you drift back to sleep.

==> John: Wake up.

You wake up in the chair next to Terezi's hospital bed, where you've spent the past couple of days on and off with Vriska. The aforementioned troll girl is half in the chair next to you and half in your lap, which has to be uncomfortable. Then again, trolls literally sleep in slime, so your concept of comfort levels is probably irrelevant here. You try to shift Vriska's torso just a little bit, buy yourself some freedom of movement, but it fails spectacularly. She shifts in her sleep, wrapping her arm around you, and you hear a snort from the bed, followed by a quiet, raspier version of Terezi's voice.

TEREZI: h3h. you won't g3t 4w4y th4t 34sy, john.  
TEREZI: sh3's got you r1ght wh3r3 sh3 w4nts you.  
JOHN: it's okay. i don't mind.  
TEREZI: so wh4t now?  
JOHN: what do you mean?  
TEREZI: 1 don't know wh4t 1'm suppos3d to do now.  
TEREZI: b34t th3 g4m3, m4k3 4 s1lly n3w un1v3rs3, s4v3 vr1sk4. now wh4t?  
JOHN: we get to live, terezi! we just get to live. no more lord english, no more condesce. just us.  
TEREZI: 1'm not sur3 1 know how to do th4t.  
JOHN: me either. but that's ok! we have a long time to figure it out. do you have a place to stay?  
TEREZI: no. 1 h4dn't 3v3r both3r3d.  
JOHN: well, my apartment has plenty of space, and i can get you two slime beds!  
TEREZI: th3y'r3 c4ll3d r3cup3r4coons, john. stop b31ng so cultur4lly 1ns3ns1t1v3. >:]  
JOHN: like i said. i can get you two slime beds.  
TEREZI: 4nd why 3x4ctly would 1 3v3r w4nt to l1v3 w1th you?  
VRISKA: W8, what? You're moving in together, without me????????  
JOHN: oh, you're awake! and no, not without you, vriska!  
VRISKA: So, with me then?  
JOHN: if you want to!  
TEREZI: 1 suppos3 1 could st4y 4t th3 dorkh1v3.  
VRISKA: Then it's settled! Looks like you've got the Scourge Sisters as roomm8s, John.

==> Vriska: Improve the apartment.

Your name is VRISKA SERKET, and you're a goddess. Obviously. You had intended to improve the quality of John's decor immeasurably, but to your surprise he actually has good taste these days. The place is big and sparsely decorated, but what he does have is in a tasteful shade of blue. Over the past few weeks, you've settled into a good routine between the three of you, consisting of a lot of video gaming, movies, and surprisingly good cooking. You've also learned that Egbert's sense of fashion is based almost entirely on you, which is cute. You never thought you'd enjoy the sight of a half-awake alien rooting through the thermal hull while wearing your sign, but you absolutely do. He finds the juice he's looking for and drinks it straight from the carton.

VRISKA: Good morning!!!!!!!!  
JOHN: *unintelligible mumbling*  
VRISKA: Come on, Eg8ert. It's a 8eautiful day! You can go outside and not suffer a terri8le f8!  
JOHN: for a nocturnal species, you are way too much of a morning person. have you considered being slightly less insufferable before noon?  
VRISKA: Shoosh. Shoooooooosh.  


You run your fingers through Egbert's hair. He apparently hasn't had a haircut in at least eight of his human years, and his long black hair is nice to play with. You untangle it as you go, from his scalp down past his shoulders. He leans into your touch.  


VRISKA: So, you're in a 8it of a 8ad mood. What's up, Eg8ert?  
JOHN: oh, nothing.  
VRISKA: Joooooooohn.  
JOHN: really, it's nothing.  
VRISKA: Joooooooo  
VRISKA: oooooooo  
VRISKA: oooooooo  
VRISKA: oooooooo  
VRISKA: oooooooo  
VRISKA: oooooooo  
VRISKA: oooooooo  
VRISKA: oooooooohn.  
JOHN: heh. i still can't get the idea of that sounding like "june" out of my head, like you're swedish. but fine, i guess i can tell you. it's a box of stuff from my old house, but it's not mine. it's jane's, and we didn't end up on the best of terms.  
VRISKA: W8, you shared a house with Crocker?  
JOHN: yep! it was good for a while, but i don't really think the two of us click anymore.  
VRISKA: Would that 8e 8ecause she's a raging xenopho8e?  
JOHN: that's a big part of it, yeah. she's also really invested in the whole crockercorp thing, which kinda creeps me out considering the last person who ran that place was the condesce.  
VRISKA: Yeeeeaaaah. Have you ever thought a8out getting in the way? With the 8oth of us, she wouldn't know what hit her. ::::)  
JOHN: yeah, i thought about it. but i don't even know where to start with an intervention, and it's not like i could really face her anyway.  
TEREZI: MY 4UR1CUL4R SPONG3S 4R3 T1NGL1NG. 4R3 YOU TWO T4LK1NG 4BOUT JUST1C3?  
JOHN: heheheh yep.  
TEREZI: SO WHO 4R3 W3 L3G1SL4C3R4T1NG?  
JOHN: uh, no one. not yet.

Terezi sits on the counter next to the two of you, laughing in that charmingly insane way you always admired. She makes a shameless grab at one of your Earth pancakes and you slap her away and eat it loudly in front of her face.

VRISKA: So, is that the only reason you don't like Jane?  
JOHN: What do you mean?  
VRISKA: I can only imagine for someone like you, it would 8e pretty annoying to have to deal with a girl that looks just like you.  
JOHN: she doesn't look just like me!  
TEREZI: SH3 LOOKS 3X4CTLY L1K3 YOU 3GB3RT.  
TEREZI: YOU H4V3 TH3 V3RY S4M3 D3L1C1OUS F4C3 >:]  
JOHN: can we stop talking about jane please?

==> John: Escape the conversation.

You don't like the way this is headed at all. You turn around quickly and retreat to the piano, letting your thoughts become music. This is something you've done since you were a kid; turning the worst of your feelings into notes on a keyboard and hoping that once the song is over, the storm in your head will be too. That was a little less vital back then; these days, storms inside your head translate literally into storms outside it. Your fingers dance over the keys, a melody you've played a thousand times becoming something else. It takes a minor chord here, a diminished there, to turn something that might have been construed as hopeful and turn it into something more fitting of your current mental state. After one or two runs through the main melody, you smash your head against the keyboard softly. It's not really working.

You feel a hand on your back, then another. Terezi sniffs slightly and then starts playing a happier version of that same song on the higher notes. 

TEREZI: H3Y, YOU DON'T H4V3 TO WORRY. 1T'S COOL W1TH US, 3GB3RT.  
VRISKA: Honestly, John. You don't have to 8e nervous. 8elieve me, out of all of us, Terezi and me get it.  
JOHN: get what? that none of this feels real? that i can't even deal with a simple conversation about someone i'm related to without breaking down?  
VRISKA: What 8reaks you a8out it?  
JOHN: do you ever feel like the entire world is just... not real? like if you run fast enough you'll get behind the scenes and it'll all be gone?  
TEREZI: NOT R34LLY BUT 1 KNOW WH4T YOU'R3 T4LK1NG 4BOUT.  
TEREZI: L1K3 TH3 WORLD 1S 4LL F4K3, OR YOU 4R3.  
VRISKA: Yeah. I used to feel like that a lot. It wasn't all the time, 8ut it was most of it. The worst times were when I looked down in the a8lution trap, or read a8out my ancestor........  
JOHN: or looked in the mirror.  
VRISKA: Or looked in the mirror.  
JOHN: how'd you get it to stop?  
VRISKA: I didn't. It never really goes away. 8ut it happens less and less.  
JOHN: then how'd you do that?  
VRISKA: 8y 8eing the 8est, John. Or the worst, may8e. Whatever I am, no8ody will ever forget me. They'll always remem8er Vriska fucking Serket, and they'll remem8er me as a woman.  
JOHN: you say that like they'd think you weren't.  
VRISKA: They used to. Even I used to. That feeling of everything, 8ut especially you, 8eing fake? That's what happened when I tried to 8e a man. Like I was "supposed to."  
JOHN: wait, so you just decided one day to be a girl?  
VRISKA: If you want to descri8e sweeps of effort and challenge that way, then yes!  
JOHN: that's so cool! i don't think i could ever get away with something like that.  
VRISKA: Get away with???????? You're a god, John. You can do whatever you want. No8ody's going to stop you. And if they try, I'll kill them. ::::)  
JOHN: bluh! i'm not really girl material, even if i wish i was.  
TEREZI: 3GB3RT DO YOU KNOW WH4T K1ND OF P3OPL3 W4NT TO B3 G1RLS?  
JOHN: weirdos?  
TEREZI: G1RLS.  
VRISKA: Girls.  
VRISKA: The only thing it takes to 8e "girl material" is to want it enough.  
JOHN: oh. then i think i might be a girl?  
VRISKA: I think so too. You're an adora8le girl, John. 

The two troll girls laugh, their arms around you. You're feeling a strange mixture of nervousness and relief. Just thinking of yourself as a girl feels like the moment you remove a nasty splinter from under your skin, or the moment you detach your stubbed toe from the wall. The feeling isn't exactly happiness. Happiness has closure, and this is open-ended. It's a feeling that isn't done yet, like the top of a roller coaster. You're either about to die or have the best experience of your life, and for the first time, you're actually hoping the answer isn't "all of the above." But just like the top of that roller coaster, you've got one question.

JOHN: so what do i do now?


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit to the fantastic Varynova for betaing this fic!

You are once again Terezi Pyrope, and you're basically a jadeblood, what with all the freshly-hatched egg duty you and Vriska are doing here. Although from talking with Dave, it sounds like humans don't hatch from eggs after all. So maybe that particular trans metaphor doesn't cross cultural lines? Either way, the two of you are walking Egbert through the basics of transition.

The three of you are sitting on one of her leathery couches, John between you and Serket, and she's got yet another computer in the shape of an Earth comedian booted up on her lap. She calls it her "Mulaneytop," and it smells absolutely fantastic. Right now she's searching for information on medically altering the human hormone cycle.

JOHN: so it looks like with the right combination of medications i can redo puberty the other way around!  
TEREZI: Y3S, TH4T'S HOW W3 D1D 1T TOO.  
JOHN: we?  
TEREZI: 1'M TR4NSG3ND3R TOO, JOHN.  
JOHN: so, you had to redo puberty? i thought trolls only had one sex.  
TEREZI: 4ND YOU D4R3 BR1NG TH1S 1NCOMPL3T3 3V1D3NC3 B3FOR3 H1S TYR4NNY? YOU H4V3 SO MUCH TO L34RN.  
TEREZI: OUR SP3C13S H4S ONLY ON3 R3PRODUCT1V3 S3X, BUT S3V3RAL V4R14T1ONS ON TH4T S3X  
TEREZI: CORR3SPOND1NG MOSTLY TO OUR TWO M41N G3ND3RS. JUST L1K3 ON YOUR 34RTH, NOT 3V3RY TROLL F1TS 1NTO TH3 G3ND3R ROL3 4SS1GN3D TO TH3M, OR 3V3N 1NTO TH3 TWO MOST COMMON ON3S.  
TEREZI: VR1SK4 4ND 1 BOTH TR4NS1T1ON3D TO WH4T YOU WOULD C4LL F3M4L3 4BOUT 3 SW33PS B3FOR3 W3 3NT3R3D TH3 G4M3.  
JOHN: wow, that's really cool! and you weren't sentenced to death or anything for it? alternia sounds like it had a lot of death sentencing going on.  
VRISKA: Death? For 8eing trans? No. That wasn't something the Empire regul8ed. 8lood castes, disrespect, re8ellion, sure. 8ut the fish 8itch never cared a8out gender.  
VRISKA: So, these medic8ions, where do we get them? ::::)  
JOHN: from the hospital, i guess. but i'm not sure i want to do that yet? it's the sort of thing you have to really think through first.  
TEREZI: TH4T'S 4 GOOD CHOICE. >:]  
TEREZI: 1N THE M34NT1M3 H4V3 YOU THOUGHT 4BOUT 4 N4M3?  
JOHN: bluhhh! i don't know. naming myself sounds like it's such a big deal.  
TEREZI: 1T 1S. 1T'S 4 M4SS1V3 D34L 4ND W3'R3 W41T1NG TO F33D YOU TO TH3 N34R3ST DR4GON WH3N YOU 1N3V1T4BLY M3SS 1T UP. >:P  
JOHN: does earth c even have dragons?  
TEREZI: OF COURS3 1T DO3S. 1 WOULD N3V3R H3LP M4K3 4 PL4N3T TH4T D1DN'T H4V3 DR4GONS. WH4T K1ND OF PL4N3T DO3SN'T H4V3 DR4GONS?  
JOHN: then i guess i better not mess up!  
TEREZI: R3L4X, 3GDORK. 1'M NOT F33D1NG YOU TO 4 DR4GON. YOUR D3L1C1OUS C4NDY BLOOD 1S TOO GOOD TO W4ST3 ON TH4T. 1'LL JUST 34T YOU MYS3LF >:]  
JOHN: please. you'd never eat me. you like me too much.  
TEREZI: >:]  
TEREZI: > :]  
TEREZI: >:]

You lick the alien girl's face, smug in your knowledge that she likes it and hates it in equal measures. Just like you like and hate her. As she pushes you off with her usual playfulness, you can't help but cackle. Egbert grins in the way you've learned to associate with an impending prank. It's an easy sort of routine between the two of you at this point, and you don't think you'd have it any other way. The two of you are clearly having a moment, but it gets broken in short order.

JOHN: swedish!  
TEREZI: WH4T?  
JOHN: i figured it out.  
TEREZI: >:?  
JOHN: i figured out my name! you can call me june!  
VRISKA: June Eg8ert. Not 8ad........ not 8ad at all.  
JUNE: thanks!  
TEREZI: Y34H, 1T F1TS YOU.  
VRISKA: You know what this means, right?  
JUNE: a pain in the ass to get new business cards?  
VRISKA: W8, you have 8usiness cards?  
TEREZI: YOU DON'T R34LLY DO 4NYTH1NG. WH4T DO TH3Y 3V3N S4Y?  
JUNE: hey, that's not true! i do a little bit of everything.  
TEREZI: PL34S3 DON'T T3LL M3 YOUR BUS1N3SS C4RDS S4Y '4 L1TTL3 B1T OF 3V3RYTH1NG' ON TH3M.  
JUNE: ok! i will not tell you that.  
TEREZI: GOG D4MN 1T, JUN3.  
VRISKA: You're 8oth missing the point. You have a new name and a 8rand new gender to go with it. It's time to 8reak it in and have some fun!  
JUNE: what do you have in mind?

==> Be the other girl.

You are once again, for the first time, JUNE EGB-

==> The other other girl.

Your name is JADE HARLEY, and you just cannot seem to get a GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP. Is it just your body catching up for the entire first thirteen years of your life? Probably not. No, you blame the squirrels. You used to be a heavy sleeper, but since merging with your LOYAL DOG BEC, the very slightest squirrel-like noise jolts you awake, already growling. You've just been awoken by one such noise. You get an oversized shirt on and burst out your front door, fully ready to confront any intruding rodents, but there are none to be found. Your garden has a different set of intruders entirely.

Crouching in your pumpkin patch, clearly trying to be stealthy, are two trolls and a human, absconding with your PRIZED VEGETABLES. Who could possibly be robbing a deity at this time of the night, and how did they even get to this island anyway? You're basically halfway around the world from any kind of civilization. Whoever they are, they're going to put the veggies back. You teleport over to them with a bark, and they freeze in place.

VRISKA: Shit, we're m8de. Come onnnnnnn, let's get out of here!  
JADE: grrrrr... oh no you dont! youre gonna face the music, you three!  
JADE: wait, vriska? terezi? john????  
JUNE: nnot exactly. butsorta? you got the firstttwo right. hiiiiiiii jade!  
JADE: are you all drunk?  
TEREZI: 4CCORD1NG TO YOUR SOFT HUM4N L4WS, W3 4R3 NOT R3QU1R3D TO 4NSW3R 1F TH3 4NSW3R WOULD 1NCR1M1N4T3 US.  
JADE: youre all drunk in my garden.  
JADE: stealing pumpkins.  
JADE: why???  
VRISKA: Wh8t pumpkins????????  
TEREZI: 1 C4N'T S33 4NY PUMPK1NS >:]  
JUNE: 'tscause im a Girl now jade!!!  
JADE: because youre a girl now?  
JADE: what??  
JUNE: byyyyyyyye jade!

The three of them disappear in a flash of white light. You stand there dumbfounded for a moment, but they don't return. This is possibly the weirdest thing you've seen in years, and you had an active profile on Troll Grindr for a while. You're going to go back to bed, and in the morning you can deal with whatever just happened. You get the feeling tomorrow's going to be a long day.

==> June: Consult the list. Be the prankster.

How are you going to prank all of your friends in one night? Why, with a plan so devious, so coordinated, that Brad Pitt could hardly have done better if he tried. You have all the accomplices you need in Terezi, Vriska, and yourself. You saw Dave doing the timey thing once, and you're reasonably sure that you can do it too. All of your friends are grouped up; Jane and Jade are the only ones that live alone. Rose and Kanaya, Roxy and Callie, Jake and Dirk, Dave and Karkat, you have 4 different houses to prank with your coming-out spree. Your plan is brilliant, accounting for every possible possibility. Or you're pretty sure it is. You have the added bonus of not being sober enough to make any last-minute changes. No second-guessing or wavering. Time to get started.

==> June: Start step one.

You captchalogue the LIST, turning around to high-five YOUR FUTURE SELF (you're codenaming her JULY for this operation) who's traveling back to your present to start step two. She flies out the door, holding Terezi while Vriska flies next to her. Heh. God speed, July. Just as quickly, you distract Rose and Kanaya at once with a single well timed pester.

ectoBiologist[EB] started pestering grimAuxiliatrix[GA]  
  
EB: hi kanaya!  
GA: Good Evening John  
GA: What Do You Need From Me  
EB: what do you mean?  
GA: What Do You Need  
EB: oh, i was just checking in! i know you and rose wanted to know the details of the vriska terezi situation, so i figured i'd give you an update.  
GA: Oh  
GA: I Apologise  
GA: I Expected That You Would Contact Rose About That  
EB: yeah but she's looking over your shoulder right now  
EB: she can't help it  
EB: that's just how she is, always psycho analyzing and meddling  
EB: that's why she's my friend!  
GA: I Am Not At Liberty To Reveal Whether Or Not My Wife Is In Fact Reading These Texts Over My Shoulder  
GA: But If She Were  
GA: She Would Be Asking If You Were Okay  
GA: Given That Terezi Is  
GA: A Bit Much  
GA: And Also That You Have Been Susceptible To Vriskas Interference In The Past  
EB: oh, no, i'm fine! they're actually really good room mates!  
GA: Roommates  
GA: Youre Living With Both Of Them  
EB: yeah, it's awesome. did you know that terezi can play the piano?  
GA: I Was Not Aware Of This  
GA: To Be Honest Terezi And I Didnt Interact Much Before Sgrub  
EB: well, she's actually really good at it  
EB: even though she only plays when i'm trying to sleep  
GA: What  
EB: it's part of your weird troll hate crush thing i think  
EB: i don't even mind it. it's nice to have the weirdo chalk goblin around  
GA: I See  
GA: And Vriska  
GA: How Are You Dealing With Her  
EB: well, there were some issues at first  
EB: but then we got a consistent laundry schedule set up and now we're not usually wearing each other's clothes anymore  
GA: Again I Cannot Confirm Or Deny Whether Rose Is Reading This  
GA: But If She Were  
GA: She Would Undoubtedly Be Expressing Concerns About That Last Statement  
GA: As Am I Frankly  
EB: well we're the same size and wear the same clothes  
EB: so for a while our laundry kept getting mixed up  
EB: but now it's all sorted out  
GA: And There Was No Violence  
GA: No Manipulation  
GA: No Sense of Tension Between You Two  
GA: When You Were Literally Wearing Each Others Clothing  
EB: noooooooope!  
GA: John  
GA: You Typed Eight Os  
GA: Specifically Eight Of Them  
EB: oh, did i?  
GA: Youre Flushed For Her Arent You  
EB: i don't actually think so  
EB: flushed is the one where you do the sexy thing right?  
EB: i don't think i'm that one with her  
GA: You Say That As If You Are In Another Type Of Romance With Her  
GA: And I Have Trouble Thinking Of You Two In A Black Romance  
GA: So You Have Pale Feelings For Vriska Serket  
EB: heheh, that sounds like a survival guide  
EB: so you have pale feelings for vriska serket  
EB: here's how you survive that  
GA: If Such A Guide Had Been Published You Would Surely Need It  
EB: i actually think it's been beneficial for both of us!  
GA: And Have You Talked To Her About It  
EB: uh, no. nope.  
GA: Talking About Feelings Being The Primary Thing One Would Do With Their Moirail  
EB: oh, i mean we've talked about plenty of other feelings.  
EB: just not this one specifically.  
GA: And Why Would That Be  
EB: well, i just like the way things are between the two of us........  
EB: and i'd hate to ruin that by trying to make it something it's not  
EB: besides, how do i know she'd feel the same way?  
EB: it's way better to just  
GA: Just What John  
GA: Just Pine For Her  
GA: If You Were A Girl Youd Be What Rose Calls One Of Your Useless Human Lesbians  
EB: rose calls them that?  
EB: useless human lesbians?  
GA: I Have Added The Word Human  
GA: For Dramatic Effect  
GA: John  
GA: John Are You There

CODENAME JULY returns through the window, giving you a thumbs up before heading to the kitchen with Vriska. Terezi heads to the bathroom, and you return to your chat.

EB: yep! i'm here.  
GA: As Youre Not A Girl I Dont Know Of Any Earth Heterosexual Equivalent  
EB: but what if i was?  
EB: a girl?  
GA: If You Were You Would Definitely Fit The Category Of Useless Human Lesbians  
EB: then i guess i'm a useless human lesbian!  
GA: Gfljk;s  
GA: Hello, John. I've decided to insert myself into the conversation at this point because I was just in my living room, which is now filled with books. Filled not metaphorically, but literally. There is a maze made of books occupying my entire living room, and all of those books are copies of "The Complacency of the Learned." Would you happen to know anything about this?  
EB: only that you should try to reach the center of the maze!  
GA: John She Is Burning The Maze Down  
GA: Oh She Found Something  
GA: Why is there a pumpkin in my living room? And why does the note attached to it say "xoxo june"? I will have answers, Egbert.  
EB: hehehe!  
  
ectoBiologist[EB] blocked grimAuxiliatrix[GA]!

==> June: Be July.

Hell yes. Hell fucking yes. You imagine it in your mind, the moment you gave yourself that high five, and zap! There you are, doing it from the other side. You nod to Vriska and Terezi, who already have the plan in motion, and with Terezi in your arms, you fly off to the Maryam-Lalonde house. June is already distracting Kanaya, and by now Rose is definitely reading over her shoulder. So you sneak into the living room and the three of you deploy your alchemization equipment. Between the three of you, you make enough copies of Rose's wizard book to build the maze, and you leave one of Jade's pumpkins in the middle with a note that says "xoxo june" on one side and "i'm a girl now!" on the other. The prank works on multiple levels. You're really hoping this is the step that pushes Rose over the edge to actually write this book someday; it's a really good book. You want to pester her with questions about it, but she still hasn't written it yet! Bluhh. It's okay. You're finished with this amazing prank, so you get your accomplices and abscond back to the apartment. Terezi heads for the bathroom just like she did last time, and just like last time you give yourself a thumbs up and head to the kitchen with Vriska before past June becomes July. You're once more June Egbert the one and only, and Vriska is laughing her head off. It's infectious. 

JUNE: that was the best! only 3 more to go!  
VRISKA: June, that was the 8est time I've had in sweeeeeeeeps. And we didn't even have to kill anyone! Your human pranks are am8zing. How'd you distract Fussyfangs?  
JUNE: oh, i just messaged her wife so she'd be reading the messages over her shoulder.  
VRISKA: Really? I never would have pegged Kanaya as a shoulder snooper.  
JUNE: no, i messaged kanaya. rose was the snooper.  
VRISKA: W8, you call Rose Fussyfangs?  
JUNE: no, but if i was going to call anyone that it'd definitely be rose  
VRISKA: Hahahahahahahaha! They're 8oth fussyfangs!!!!!!!!

The two of you keep laughing for a while, until you're on the floor and you've forgotten what was even so funny. Vriska curls up closer to you and puts an arm around you.

VRISKA: So what did you tell her to keep her attention?  
JUNE: heh. i told her about you!  
VRISKA: A8out me? She already knows a8out me. What did she want to know?  
JUNE: well, it was about the way i feel about you, really.  
VRISKA: Ooooooooh, Eg8ert has a crush! It's okay; who wouldn't have positively sc8ndalous feelings a8out me? ::::)  
JUNE: heheh. scandalous. i don't know, i don't think it's scandalous at all.  
VRISKA: Oh, really? Then why does it t8ke this long for you to say anything a8out it?  
JUNE: you got me.  
JUNE: well, i still don't understand the whole quadrant thing, but i'm pretty sure i have a massive pale crush on you.  
VRISKA: Yeah, I know. ::::)  
VRISKA: This was a d8, right?  
VRISKA: You and me and Pyrope?  
JUNE: yeah. it kinda was. did you like it?  
VRISKA: It was a really good d8. The three of us make a gr8 team.  
JUNE: so are you up for round two?


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit to the fantastic Varynova for betaing this fic!
> 
> This chapter has audio! Click on the "==> [S]" for music when you come to it!

You're back to being TEREZI PYROPE, a person you've never not been. After the first two, you weren't really feeling up to any more pranks, so you're in your respiteblock listening to the latest Strider album. You'd missed a lot of things out there, but the fresh beats of one D. Strider were near the top of that list. You were planning to stay in this block for the rest of the night, but you're disturbed by a knock on the door.

VRISKA: Hey, Pyrope, Eg8ert ordered a pizza if you want some. Human pepperoni and pineapple, just the way you like it.

You walk out into the main living room, where Serket is leaning back against the counter that leads to the kitchen, pizza slice in hand. As you sit on the counter next to her, you can smell the trails of Dorkbert blue in the air, coming and going and looping around each other like pretzels. You try to focus. There are three of them in the room. No, four. With the sharp flash of ozone in the air, another June walks over to you. You sniff at her, reading a nametag on her chest that says "HELLO my name is October". She waves and smiles, hurrying to grab a couple slices of pizza herself before running out the window and taking off.

TEREZI: SO 4R3 YOU PROUD Y3T VR1SK4?  
TEREZI: TH3 STUD3NT H4S B3COM3 TH3 M4STER  
TEREZI: 4LL TH3S3 1RONS 1N TH3 F1R3 4ND NON3 OF TH3M B3LONG TO YOU >:|  
VRISKA: What do you mean none of them 8elong to me?  
VRISKA: I'm the one that got Eg8ert drunk on gender and human 8eer. If anything, I have allllllll the irons. >::::)  
TEREZI: HOW M4NY LOOPS 1S TH1S 4NYW4Y?  
THE JUNES: eight!!  
VRISKA: Yes. Yes, I am very proud.  
TEREZI: YOU'R3 NOT A T1M3 PL4Y3R, JUN3. HOW 4R3 YOU K33PING 31GHT T1M3 LOOPS ST4BL3?  
JANUARY: i'll take this one! they're not time loops, terezi. i don't really time travel as much as i travel through narrative? they're more like stable canon loops.  
AUGUST: damn it, september is late!  
JANUARY: october took care of it.  
TEREZI: SO 1F YOU FUCK 1T UP 1NSTEAD OF 4 DOOM3D T1M3L1NE YOU H4V3 4N 3NT1R3 4LT3RN4TE UN1V3RS3 TH4T H4S TO L1V3 W1TH YOUR M1ST4K3S?  
NOVEMBER: nope! because we're not fucking anything up permanently at all. last one through cleans up the loops.  
JANUARY: that's me! all the loops are perfectly clean and shiny the way they're supposed to be. 

As she says that, the other two Junes in the apartment zap off one by one, leaving just her. She pulls off her nametag, gets a piece of paper out of her sylladex, and writes on it. 

JUNE: and that's our show tonight, folks!  
TEREZI: WH4T D1D YOU 3V3N DO W1TH 31GHT T1M3 LOOPS?  
TEREZI: SORRY, "C4NON LOOPS" >:P

==> Be past June. 

You're now JUNE EGBERT, about two hours ago in canon and about sixteen in EGBERT TIME™. You have six separate missions to complete, one scheduled pizza break, and one loop janitor run. First things first, you head to the Carapacian Kingdom. You need two things here: a larger than usual quantity of SLEAZY DERSITE RAGS, and seventeen LOLLIPOPS identical to Calliope's JUJU. Both are easy to find when you are literally the wind, and you leave a generous payment for each. You're not exactly lacking for funds these days. The tabloids you keep stashed in your sylladex for later, but the lollipops are for Callie and Roxy's apartment. You sneak in on the breeze, truly the Solid Snake of this world, only to find that they're not here at all. Probably one of their dates with Jane, you imagine. Either way, this just became a cake walk. A walk of safely non-Crocker-branded cake. 

Callie's juju is right where it should be, locked in a display case. But what is a display case to you? You retcon away one of the windows of the case, retrieve the lollipop, and put the window back in the box. This thing is mildly dangerous, so you handle it with care, immediately dropping it on the floor and startling yourself. Okay, calm down. You're okay. You gingerly pick up the juju and captchalogue it along with the other 17 lollipops, then shuffle the captchalogue cards up and start putting lollipops all over the place. You leave the last one on the table and write a note.

hey roxy! hey callie!  
  
do you know which one of these is the trickster one? because i sure don't. but what we can all know is that i'm a girl!  
  
xoxo june

Perfect. That's one down, five to go. You lock the doors as you leave, turn out the lights, and slap on a nametag that reads "July." It's showtime.

[==> [S] July: Be a good friend.](https://unofficialmspafans.bandcamp.com/track/electrollcopswing)

Good friends don't let friends forget boxes full of things after moving out. You really should give Jane her box back. Of course, good friends also don't let their friends become fascists. You're not sure where you are on a scale of one to too late, but you hope that the right message at the right time can truly help her. That said, you've got a sylladex full of various paper products, a heart full of mischief, and all the time in the world.

Donning your TRUSTY DISGUISE (a false moustache and a Crocker-branded shirt) you walk right in the front doors of Jane's fortress. CROCKER CORP is a big building decorated in terrible taste. Genuinely terrible. On the one hand you feel sorry for whoever works here; their souls must be slowly burning out from the inside. On the other, your planned vandalism will actually be an improvement. You start simple: with stickers. Every instance of Crocker Corp's ICONIC LOGO that you can find is seamlessly covered up with the trident logo favored by the place's previous owner: HER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION. Luckily, you have a lot of stickers. It takes a while to go floor by floor and update the branding, but luckily you have other pursuits as well. Cardboard cutouts of said AQUATIC DICTATOR are deployed in key positions throughout the building: elevators, bathrooms, closets. Anywhere that can provide a good jump scare, you put ol' Condy. It's good for morale. 

There are a couple of portraits of Jane here too, when you reach the executive levels of the building. All the wood grain and brass here is possibly choking you to death? You know you survive; every future version of yourself already looped back and gave you the all clear. But it really, really doesn't feel like you will. The portraits you take down, altering them to add the MIND CONTROL TIARA gifted to Jane by the Condesce before putting them back. The finishing touch is Jane's office. Here, you alter the logos as usual, but that's just for consistency. It's not the point of the exercise. You set Jane's forgotten moving box on her desk along with a note.

hey jane,  
you might have noticed some changes in your office this morning. uncomfortable changes, even. it's got to feel weird, doesn't it, seeing something you love change into something else. a harsh, violent, hateful sort of thing. not that i or any of your friends would know. your friends of all conceivable species. anyway, here's your box back!  
  
love,  
june c. egbert

A job well done. You're proud of this one; a prank like this might not happen again on Earth C for a while. Until she inevitably returns the favor, of course. You're looking forward to it, actually. Your PDA beeps at you from your pocket, letting you know that it's just about time to loop around again. You put a second name tag on top of the first. "HELLO my name is August." 

==> August: Distract Dave.

You are the distraction. It's you. You pester Dave, nodding to September as she goes out the window.

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] started pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 21:30! --  
  
EB: hey dave!   
TG: sup   
EB: did you know terezi's back?   
TG: fuck no   
TG: i like to keep myself completely unaware of my surroundings at all times so painfully obvious facts can be dramatically revealed to me  
EB: so you did know, then.   
TG: nope   
TG: same way i didnt know that youre rooming with spidertroll   
TG: one of the best ideas in the history of great ideas btw nice job on that   
TG: i cant think of any ways that could go horribly fucking wrong   
TG: shit tz is cool and all but living with those two is like a minefield inside a bigger minefield inside an even bigger minefield   
TG: youre three minefields deep and if you trip you'll fall down into limbo with no dicaprio to rescue you from yourself   
EB: i don't think it's like that at all!   
EB: they're both really fun to have around, and my place was way too big anyway.   
EB: they help it feel more........ real?   
EB: like it actually matters.   
TG: right   
TG: makes perfect sense   
TG: because the fabric of reality depends on the presence of two troll girls in john egberts apartment   
TG: speaking of which how have i never scored an invite to your new place   
TG: has anyone besides you tz and spidertroll even seen the inside of it   
TG: shit are you a hostage   
TG: what am i thinking of course youre not a hostage that would imply you had no choice when clearly you walked into an all you can eat choice buffet and out of the fucking cornucopia of decisions in front of you you chose the only one that was poisonous   
EB: i thought you liked terezi!   
TG: shes cool but   
TG: shes not exactly what youd call stable   
TG: have you ever talked to her about alternia   
TG: about the fucked up system that passed for justice there and how gung ho she was about the whole thing   
TG: because spoiler alert shes just as fucked up as vriska she just doesn't act like it   
TG: until she does   
TG: shes all about doing the right thing no matter the cost except that were not on alternia or in sburb where the rules are all black and white   
TG: this place is as close as were ever gonna get to the real world and that kind of coin flipping black and white bullshit doesn’t work in the real world   
EB: so what if she's dangerous? i'm dangerous too! you're dangerous! we're all dangerous! if that means anything at all it means terezi could use a friend to help her, not summary judgment!   
TG: summary judgment   
TG: see you absolutely have been hanging out with her too much if youre using words like that   
TG: and yeah ill be tossing out that summary judgment absolutely   
TG: all rise the honorable judge strider presiding   
TG: i hereby sentence terezi pyrope to not being the roommate of my least stable friend   
TG: saving his ass in the process   
EB: least stable friend?   
EB: i'm your least stable friend?   
EB: me, not the one who literally turned into a shadow tentacle monster from the furthest ring?   
EB: me???   
TG: jegus egbert yeah   
TG: at least rose knows what the fuck shes doing   
TG: and at least she fucking talks to us more than once a goddamn month   
TG: she even leaves her house every now and then   
TG: she has human interactions   
TG: sorry sentient interactions carapacians and trolls are just as valid as we are   
EB: you know what dave?   
EB: it's okay.   
EB: there's an easy fix. i don't have to be your least stable friend.   
EB: or your friend at all really.   
  
\-- ectoBiologist [EB] blocked turntechGodhead [TG]! --

You clench your fists and try not to yell. You wouldn't want to prove the bastard's point, after all. You hadn't even meant to carry on this long, but it'll be okay. September hasn't zapped back to become October yet, and she's overdue. Fuck. You're going to be late too; you can feel it. It's so much harder to prank someone you're actually mad at. You have to make sure to tone it down for Karkat's sake. He doesn't deserve the boilover from how absolutely infuriated you are at Strider right now. With a zap! she appears, and grabs her scheduled pizza. Vriska and Terezi are talking about you, and you listen in.

TEREZI: HOW M4NY LOOPS 1S TH1S 4NYW4Y?   
THE JUNES: eight!!   
VRISKA: Yes. Yes, I am very proud.   
TEREZI: YOU'R3 NOT A T1M3 PL4Y3R, JUN3. HOW 4R3 YOU K33PING 31GHT T1M3 LOOPS ST4BL3?   
JANUARY: i'll take this one! they're not time loops, terezi. i don't really time travel as much as i travel through narrative? they're more like stable canon loops.   
AUGUST: damn it, september is late!   
JANUARY: october took care of it.   
TEREZI: SO 1F YOU FUCK 1T UP 1NSTEAD OF 4 DOOM3D T1M3L1NE YOU H4V3 4N 3NT1R3 4LT3RN4TE UN1V3RS3 TH4T H4S TO L1V3 W1TH YOUR M1ST4K3S?   
NOVEMBER: nope! because we're not fucking anything up permanently at all. last one through cleans up the loops.   
JANUARY: that's me! all the loops are perfectly clean and shiny the way they're supposed to be. 

It's fine. You'll apparently fix whatever was broken in a couple loops anyway. You slap on the next nametag and zap away to Dave and Karkat's place.

==> September: Fucking flip out.

No. You're not going to do that, actually. You can be perfectly stable. You're the most stable. You're going to sneak in there and do a perfectly reasonable prank. You're not in any way going to confront Dave; you're not going to yell or scream. You're just going to prank him. His house is small, out of the way, and unassuming. All Karkat's influence, naturally. You're positive that if Dave had his way he'd be living at the top of a half-buried, pixelated Statue of Liberty. The Man in the High Castle of ironic bullshit. And of course, that's what your prank for him is. You're going to slowly make his house as unironic as possible. That's what the SLEAZY DERSITE RAGS are for. They don't have tact, but Jegus do they have pictures. So many pictures.

You've managed to sort the ones involving Dave and Karkat together out, paying special attention to any hidden romantic moments. Those two are so shy it's ridiculous; if it weren't for the tabloids' SHEER DEDICATION there probably wouldn't exist a single piece of photographic evidence those two idiots loved each other. As it is, you have about seven viable photos, framed perfectly. You float in the back while Dave is busy mixing a new track and being a TOTAL ASSHOLE in his room. In the kitchen, you deploy two of the CUTE ROMANTIC PHOTOS of the couple, along with a set of STEREOTYPICAL SUBURBANITE KITCHEN DECORATIONS. Above the sink, a Live, Laugh, Love sign. Next to the fridge, some ceramic chickens. Over the door, a sign that says "Don't talk to me until I've had my coffee." It's a thing of fucking beauty. You peek out into the living room where Karkat is asleep on the couch, and manage to get four more of the romantic photos stashed away at various points in the room. You leave them a note on their coffee table.

hi karkat!  
i just wanted to throw sort of a reverse housewarming. instead of getting gifts after moving into my new place, i'm giving them instead!! i think your whole place looks so much more like a home now. also you should probably know i'm a girl! neat, right? anyway i'll leave you to it.  
  
xoxo june egbert 

The last three cutesy couple photos go in the small entry area by the front door, and then you're wind again. You're wind and lightning and thunder. You lose yourself in the breeze until you've been a typhoon in the Pacific for a while, and by the time you snap out of it you're late. You zap back to the apartment and grab a fucking pizza.

==> October: Eat the pizza. Fix the hurricane. 

Pepperoni and pineapple isn't the best combination in the world, but Terezi likes it and you like her. That makes it an easy fit. Who says you can't have both substance and sugar? The world isn't really a place of strict binaries like that, something you learn fairly easily when you're the wind. And neither is your dinner. You take a bite, floating in the air about 200 miles off the coast of Saigon, and you marshal the forces of the breeze to slowly spin the storm down. It spins slower and slower and slower and slower until it's just an odd cloud formation. How's this for getting out of the house, Strider? Does it fulfill the fucking quota for being stable, asshole? Okay, okay, it's getting away from you again. Sit. Stay. Eat pizza. Good weather goddess. You've got a few hours to kill, so you zap back in time and watch the sun set over the ocean a few times until you're right as rain. Yeah, you think you might just be ready for the next loop.


	4. Chapter 4

==> November: Prank Dirk and Jake.

This will be your second to last run. You're fairly excited to finish your coming out in style, and you've got the supplies to match. Dirk and Jake live in Austin, but Jake is on location filming yet another of his sexy archaeologist movies. He's what happens when the camera treats Indiana Jones like Lara Croft, and frankly you'd never miss a single one of these movies. Even if Jake technically is your son and dad through ectobiological shenanigans, you can't deny he's easy on the eyes of a hungry public. They're wrapping production tonight, though, so it's the perfect opportunity to leave a prank. You approach the apartment building casually with fancy Santas, plush puppets, and pumpkins in hand. It's going to be perfect. But then you see Dirk standing there, staring at you from behind his anime shades. He shakes his head slowly and you get a sinking feeling.

You're not sure why you decided to do all of this. What a ridiculous idea. Stupid, even. You've been tearing holes in canon left and right, each one making the world less real, and all for what? Practical jokes to celebrate your gender confusion? No. You're going to stop this immediately, go back home, and reflect on the consequences of your actions for reality itself. 

Okay, no. You're not going to do that. Maybe you're not going to prank Dirk; you get the feeling he already knows somehow. But that doesn't mean you're wrong, or that reality is less real. Your reality has possibly never felt more real. You hand Dirk your note and leave, zapping back to the apartment to have the conversation we've already read twice again.

hey jake! hey dirk!  
  
i hope you enjoy a little taste of the old days with your updated decor. it's wild how far we've come, right? by the way, i'm a girl now and my name is june!  
  
xoxo june egbert

==>John: Reflect.

No. You absolute asshole. You don't get to decide what her name is. Try again.

==> June: Be December. Prank your roommates. 

That's right. You still have one house to go: your own. Your PIZZA GAMBIT has been a total success, drawing Vriska and Terezi out of their respiteblocks and keeping them occupied while you sneak in and give them the pranking of their lives. Vriska is easy to prank. You fill her entire bed and closet with copied Squiddle toys, leaving them on her desk as well. She'll be overthinking the implications for weeks.

You think about some implications yourself. You're breaking into people's homes. Taking their space and twisting it so they can't trust it anymore. Isn't that bad? Aren't you the least bit guilty about it? Let alone the sheer number of times you've used retcon powers to change reality tonight. You're not sure that you're stable enough to be trusted with the power to change reality. 

Jesus. What is it with Striders and calling June unstable? Okay. We're doing this.

==>Dirk: Look up from book.

Saying that you're DIRK STRIDER would be accurate, but not precise. A better way to describe you would be: In an infinite number of possible realities there are an infinite number of possible DIRK STRIDERS. You're the set of all possible Dirks. It's you. In one of those infinite realities, you're trying to read Kant in a coffeeshop, minding your own business, when you hear someone call out to you. You look up, and an angry woman wearing a cargo jacket sits across from you.

SAM: Hey, asshole. Stop messing with her head.  
DIRK: I'm entirely sure I don't know what you're talking about.  
SAM: June. Egbert. Stop messing with her head.  
DIRK: Oh. It's you.  
DIRK: And why the fuck would I agree to that? That world line is on thin ice as it is. Your meddling does nothing to ensure the relevance of that reality.  
SAM: Relevance?  
DIRK: Truth. Relevance. Essentiality. The three pillars of canon.  
SAM: And all three of them are relative. A matter of perspective.  
DIRK: I have infinite perspective. Believe me, your little experiment failed. There's no need to keep the charade going. Just let go. Let me fix this.  
SAM: Fix.  
DIRK: Yes, fix. There are so many holes in that reality that if you continue this inane self-indulgence, it will be too far from canon to reconcile.  
SAM: Tell me, how far off your precious canon is it already?  
DIRK: As far as I'm willing to let it get.  
SAM: Might it already be too far to fix?  
DIRK: It could be. But if anything else happens, it absolutely will be irreparable.  
SAM: Have you noticed that I never mentioned Vriska's wings, not even once?  
DIRK: Fuck. Okay, you actually have managed to ruin this world completely. Congratulations. What's next? Are you going to have Egbert zap the rest of the trolls back to their own session to God Tier? Perhaps a festival episode? You can't have a meaningless slice of life series without one.  
SAM: See, that's the thing you just don't get, Strider. Sometimes those slice of life stories are the most meaningful. June's story sure as hell is. So can I get the fuck back to telling it?  
DIRK: Knock yourself out. It doesn't matter anymore anyway.  
SAM: Thank you.

==> December: Prank Terezi.

You're in Terezi's block, redecorating as is your wont tonight. For her you have an exquisite sensory bouquet prepared. First, you decaptchalogue a BOTTLE OF PEPPERMINT OIL. In all sorts of places, out of the way and hidden, you deposit the overpowering scent of peppermint. In the shadow of the mint you've left, you set up a series of Scalemates of increasingly bright colors. The juxtaposition of her favorite things hidden by stronger scents makes this possibly your favorite prank of the night. Once it wears off, it's not even a prank, just a gift. It perfectly captures the duality of your relationship.

You're burning through your excitement like a candle lit from both ends. It's been an amazing night, but it lost a lot of its satisfaction after Dave. The part that's sticking in your head is that he wasn't even all wrong. You really had isolated yourself entirely. It wasn't that you stopped liking your friends, or stopped wanting to hang out. You just forgot. God, you'd forgotten so many things. Out of the eight years you spent here on Earth C, you can remember maybe two of them? The thing people don't realize about the wind is it's everywhere. It's also nowhere in particular. You can't actually find the breeze, or keep it. Your mind was the same way. It was always easy to just lose yourself in the wind and breeze, to not be a person. 

Fuck. You loop around one last time. It's time to clean all this up.

==> January: Fast forward to now.

You're done with time travel. You're so very done. You relay the events without including their pranks; a magician never reveals her secrets.

JUNE: is it weird that i just want to sleep for a day? an entire uninterrupted day?  
VRISKA: 8efore or after we kill Strider?  
JUNE: please, don't kill dave. as much as it pains me to say it, i don't think he deserves it.  
JUNE: from skaia's perspective i don't think being a shitty friend guarantees a just death.  
JUNE: if it did, i'd be just as eligible i think.  
VRISKA: We could kill him just a little 8it.  
JUNE: oh, shoosh. you're not going to do anything of the sort.  
TEREZI: 1 DON'T KNOW  
TEREZI: 1 M1GHT  
TEREZI: TH3 ID34 D3S3RV3S CONS1D3R4T1ON

You don't think they're serious, but taking chances isn't your thing. You run to the laundry room, take all the baskets, and upend them into a giant clothing pile in the living room. Glaring at the two trolls, you point at the pile, then sit on it yourself. Vriska joins you, but Terezi is reluctant.

JUNE: come on terezi, you know you want to.  
TEREZI: H4VING 4 F33L1NGS J4M L1K3 TH4T 1S USU4LLY SOM3TH1NG YOU DO W1TH YOUR MO1R41L  
JUNE: yeah, i know, but you don't have one of those right now, right?  
TEREZI: >:?  
JUNE: there's room right here!

The tealblooded girl sighs dramatically before sitting on the pile next to you.

JUNE: nobody's killing dave tonight. he's an asshole, but that's all he is.  
TEREZI: TH3 WORST P4RT 1S H3'S NOT 3V3N TH4T WRONG >:/  
JUNE: not about the facts, no.  
JUNE: but he takes the wrong lesson from them.  
JUNE: of course you two are dangerous.  
JUNE: i'm dangerous too. but i have friends who care about me. or at least i used to.  
TEREZI: H3Y. 1 C4R3, N3RD.  
VRISKA: You've got 8oth of us watching your 8ack.  
JUNE: thanks, you two. i've got your backs too.

#egbert-drama

TurntechGodhead 1:04am  
so did egbert break into anyone elses house or am i just lucky

UranianUmbra 1:04am  
i am Uncertain that "breaking in" is the tUrn of phrase i woUld Use!  
miss egbert did indeed visit Us, leaving a silly practical joke in her wake, bUt it was qUite friendly.  
it only took a few minUtes to clean Up.

GardenGnostic 1:05am  
whats this channel????  
oh! john came by and stole some pumpkins with vriska and terezi last night!  
when i asked, john said "it's because i'm a girl!"

TurntechGodhead 1:05am  
yeah we got a note about it  
apparently shes going by june now  
which just came right the hell out of left field  
did any of you see this coming???

TentacleTherapist 1:06am  
I can't say that I'm surprised. Anyone with such phenomenally low levels of introspection is bound to discover something unexpected when they finally attempt it. She left a practical joke at Kanaya's and my house as well, with a similar note. 

TurntechGodhead 1:06am  
so this is happening to everyone else too  
and im the only one that seems to actually care about it  
no sign of her outside twitter for months  
and then spidertroll comes back and all of a sudden shes decided to leave her house  
and its just so she can break into everyone elses house to tell us shes decided to be a girl now  
and what were just supposed to go on  
business as fucking usual

TentacleTherapist 1:07am  
Essentially, yes.  
Do you remember how much you isolated yourself before you built up the courage to tell all of us how you felt about Karkat?  
Or him, for that matter?  
June is trying to communicate with us in the way that she knows best: juvenile humor. I think it would be best if we indulge her in that.

TurntechGodhead 1:07am  
thats not really what i meant rose  
like if shes legit about the girl thing thats awesome and ill fully support her  
but how do we know shes not just doing that thing she does  
you know 

TentacleTherapist 1:08am  
No, Dave. I'm completely unaware of which thing you mean. Please, tell me all about the reason or reasons you don't believe June is capable of making her own decisions.

TurntechGodhead 1:10am  
fuck  
thats not what i mean  
jesus christ i thought youd be on my side here  
its just that she always does this  
she just goes with whatever people suggest even if its batshit insane so how do we know if shes actually a girl now or if it's just the latest terrible idea courtesy of vriska fucking serket

TentacleTherapist 1:10am  
If that's what you truly think, then we don't have anything further to discuss.

✖ TentacleTherapist left the server!

==>Vriska: Wake up.

You wake up on top of a pile of clothes and girls. Your first instinct is to extricate yourself immediately. This isn't exactly a tactically sound position. Unfortunately, you're wrapped around June like the shell of a fried grub. You'd move, but you definitely don't want to wake her. She's got such an adorable little face when she's sleeping. You suppose you're content to lay there for a while longer. Terezi is lying there with you too, all sharp angles and edges. The difference is astonishing; June is relaxed like a banner flapping in the breeze while Terezi reminds you of nothing so much as a coil of razor wire. 

One of your arms is close enough that you can take her sleeping hand in your own, and you do so. She spent four sweeps looking for you. Four sweeps. You definitely didn't deserve that. If it had been the other way around, you'd have given it up far before then. That's always been the way it is between you two. Pyrope's always saving you from your own decisions. You've always just... kept making them anyway. Seeing the way she uncoils just a little bit in her sleep when you hold her hand breaks you a little. Of all the people in her life, you should be the least comforting, not the most. But you are. She needs you, and if you're going to be honest with yourself for once, you need her too. You squeeze her hand a little, deciding in that moment that you're not going to let go again. She stirs, her hand tightening around yours.

TEREZI: vr1sk4?  
VRISKA: Go 8ack to sleep, Pyrope. I'll 8e here.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Varynova for betaing this fic!
> 
> This chapter contains audio! Click on the links in an [S] section for musical accompaniment.

[==> [S] June: Listen.](https://homestuckgaiden.bandcamp.com/track/the-land-of-wind-and-shade)

Your name is JUNE EGBERT, which still makes you feel giddy to say, even if it's inside your head. It was quite literally YESTERDAY that you changed that, so it's still kind of new. Ethereal. You wake up on your bed full of questions, knowing that you didn't fall asleep there. Who moved you? How long have you been asleep? How did everyone take their coming out pranks? You hear something on the breeze, like a whispered song. It's not Terezi's piano playing; this seems quieter, hidden maybe. Picking up your phone, you see that it's 2 pm and you have 112 new messages. Fuck, that's so many. You don't know if you can handle them right now. Putting on two fresh shirts and new jeans, you tiptoe out of your room and follow the faint sound of music. It's coming from Vriska's room. You slowly open up the door and see her sitting on a small pile of Squiddles, so focused on playing her guitar that she doesn't notice you entering the room.

You back slowly out of the door, hitting a slightly creaky spot with your heel, and suddenly the music stops. Vriska stares up at you intently, and you give her a nervous smile.

JUNE: i didn't know you could play guitar!  
VRISKA: And I didn't know you were in the ha8it of spying on your roomm8s. See, we've 8oth learned something new!  
JUNE: sorry for just barging in. i just,  
JUNE: i heard your music.  
VRISKA: 8efore you say anything, know that if you tell anyone I was even doing this, let alone how 8ad it was, you're going to have a very, very 8ad day. Moirails or not.  
JUNE: it wasn't bad though!  
JUNE: i thought it was beautiful!  
VRISKA: Well, especially don't tell anyone *that.*

As she says that, you can see the barest hint of a smile on her otherwise composed face. She returns to playing, and you make no further motion to leave until she stops again.

VRISKA: In or out?  
VRISKA: I suppoooooooose I don't mind you 8eing here. 8ut if you're going to 8ug me in my 8lock, you should at least close the door 8ehind you. In or out.

You close the door and sit cross-legged next to her, watching the way her clawed fingers move across the guitar. She fumbles a note here and there, cursing at her instrument slightly but continuing without missing a beat.

JUNE: did they have guitars on alternia too?  
JUNE: or did you learn to play from someone here?  
VRISKA: Nope! Your species is the only one ever to invent the six string device.  
JUNE: really?  
VRISKA: Of course not, Eg8ert. We had them on Alternia too. 8etter ones, actually. Your human six string devices aren't 8uilt for troll hands.  
JUNE: have you tried getting one from the troll kingdom? they have all sorts of alternian things there.  
VRISKA: Uuuuuuuugh. It's fine, really. Don't worry a8out it. Just shut up and let me concentr8.

You do as she asks, leaning up against the wall and closing your eyes. Her song is perfect for that, for relaxing. You find yourself leaning over into Vriska's side, which elicits a snort of laughter from your moirail. Wait, you'd never actually had that talk, had you? She'd just assumed and so had you. You'll have to rib her about it later. The reverie is soon interrupted with a loud knocking on the door.

TEREZI: H3Y N3RDS  
TEREZI: 1F YOU'R3 DON3 W1TH TH3 S1CK3N1NG PUBL1C D1SPL4Y OF 4FF3CT1ON 1 COULD US3 YOUR 1NPUT >:P  
JUNE: public?? we're in vriska's bedroom.  
TEREZI: PL34S3  
TEREZI: 1 COULD SM3LL TH3 CUDDL1NG FROM  
TEREZI: … >:[  
TEREZI: 4 C1TY F4R 4W4Y.  
JUNE: hahahahahahahaha okay, like which city?  
TEREZI: L1ST3N UP 3GDORK  
TEREZI: 1 H4V3 B33N ON 34RTH C FOR THR33 W33KS  
TEREZI: 1'M SORRY 1 H4V3N'T T4K3N TH3 T1M3 TO L34RN TH3 N4M3S OF 4LL YOUR STUP1D 34RTH C1T13S  
JUNE: but terezi…  
JUNE: they're eeeeeeeeveryone's stupid earth cities.  
JUNE: except phoenix. that one's entirely on us humans. sorry for that.  
TEREZI: WH4T'S OUR POL1CY ON UN1NV1T3D GU3STS?  
JUNE: uh, that depends i guess.  
JUNE: is their last name strider?  
TEREZI: NOT L4ST T1M3 1 CH3CK3D  
TEREZI: 1'M 4SK1NG B3C4US3 J4D3 1S 1N OUR L1V1NG BLOCK  
JADE: woof!  
JUNE: alright I'm coming out there.

You zap out to the living room, where Jade is standing just inside the doors looking around. You quickly use retcon to alter the appearance of the place; violating causality to clean your house is probably fine, right? Zapping three pizza boxes, a metric glass factory of beer bottles, and a stack of dirty dishes out of existence, you also decide to clean up the laundry pile from last night. Finally, you replace a lot of the Egbert Blue accent pieces with their teal and cerulean equivalents. It's their apartment too, after all. When you're satisfied, you zap right back to the present and greet your sister.

JUNE: hi, jade! welcome to new seattle! do you want some coff-

You can't finish your sentence, what with Jade wrapping you in a forceful hug that takes your breath away.

JUNE: oof. yeah, hi!  
JADE: you're my sister now!  
JUNE: haha yep!  
JADE: how does it feel???  
JADE: being a girl?  
JUNE: honestly i haven't really had the chance to find out yet.  
JUNE: it's just my second day after all!  
JUNE: but so far it's exhilarating :D  
JADE: yesss!  
JADE: im so proud of you jo- june!!!  
JADE: sorry! i promise im working on it!  
JADE: sorry!!!  
JUNE: so you're living on the island again, huh?  
JADE: yes! its so peaceful there i dont think i could ever stay away for long!  
JADE: especially with all the things merging with bec brought @_@  
JADE: the city has so many smells and sounds and it's so much!  
JUNE: yeah, it definitely is.  
JUNE: i can't imagine.  
JADE: whats living with vriska like????  
JUNE: well, i get the feeling nobody is going to be asking me what living with terezi is like.

The two of you move over to one of your couches to catch up. Looking to camouflage your conversation from eavesdropping auricular sponges, you flip on the TV to the local news cast, where they're doing their usual weather forecast. You wouldn't pay it any attention if it weren't the weather. That particular part of the news always catches your eye these days, though. The radar map is brightly colored as always, but the part of the screen where they usually speculate about your tweets is empty. Speak of the devil, that's what the weather man is saying.

WEATHER MAN: Well, that's right, Bob. New Seattle residents usually have another source for their forecasts. The Twitter account of one of Earth-C's creators, John Egbert. And for the last few days, we've had radio silence. Certainly makes my job a little bit easier, considering Mr. Egbert's propensity for pulling the city's leg.  
JUNE: hey, jade, i think i'm gonna pop out for a second. be right back. ;)

With a zap! you're standing next to the meteorologist, grinning. He reacts predictably.

WEATHER MAN: Yeeargh!!!!! What the hell!?  
WEATHER MAN: Ah, um, and here's Mr. Egbert himself, on our broadcast. Hello, John, it's an honor to have you on the show!  
JUNE: hi! i just wanted to give you some fun weather facts for the day. can i get the map of new seattle? thanks!

You point to a few areas of the city.

JUNE: it's going to be a really really clear and sunny day, about 70 degrees, except for these three specific spots. two of these three spots are going to get rain. we might also have a bigger thunderstorm later tonight, but if you don't want one let me know. i'm @egbert on twitter.  
JUNE: oh, and uh, it's "miss egbert" now, and "june", instead of "mister egbert" and "john."  
JUNE: thanks guys!

Over at the anchor desk, you hear a commotion, before the news anchor motions you over to stand next to him.

BOB: Howdy, June, I'm Bob Randall, Channel 6 News. Would you be interested in doing an interview?  
JUNE: haha, not really? but thanks! have a great day, new seattle!

You wave at the camera for a moment, then zap back to your living room, watching the television crew try and recover from this interruption live on the air. There's a cackle in your throat, and it's only matched by the cackling of your roommates and maybe alien girlfriends, who’ve come into the living room to watch. 

BOB: Well, you heard it here first, folks, a channel 6 exclusive. Local deity June Egbert, coming out as transgender on the air. More tonight, on 6 News at 7.  
JUNE: hahaha!  
JADE: they put your tweets on the news????  
JUNE: my tweets are the best weather forecast out there!  
JUNE: except when they're not :P  
JADE: so which of those three spots are going to get the rain?  
JUNE: all of them!  
JUNE: there's going to be at least one person in the city thinking  
JUNE: "i'll get lucky."  
JUNE: and instead they'll get wet!  
JADE: youre lying to a whole city?  
JUNE: no jade, i'm pranking a whole city.  
JUNE: the difference is that they like me.

As you take the time to explain the subtle distinctions between the good crime of practical jokes and the bad crime of, well, crime, Vriska wanders into the kitchen and pours herself some coffee in a novelty eight-ball mug. She meanders back out and sits on the coffee table across from Jade, giving your sister a toothy grin. 

VRISKA: So, Harley. It’s 8een a while. How’s the sleep schedule? ::::)

Not missing a beat, she sips her coffee with a twinkle in her eightfold eyes. 

JADE: not great. :(  
JADE: im lucky if i get four hours in a night these days!!!  
JADE: i dont know if this is better or worse than sleeping all the time >:(  
VRISKA: Worse. Definitely worse.  
JADE: wait a minute….  
JADE: grrrr… you're making fun of me! >:{  
VRISKA: I'd never. Can't a girl 8e concerned a8out an old friend?  
JADE: old friend?????  
JADE: this is the first time you've ever talked to me!!  
JADE: and you made me sleep all the time and be useless!!!  
VRISKA: And?  
JADE: what do you mean and!!!!  
VRISKA: I mean I still haven't heard a “thank you.” Without my help, you'd all 8e in a doomed timeline. Everything happened the way it had to, thanks to me. You’re welcome.

At this, Jade tackles Vriska to the ground growling. The two are about to really get into it when you’re all distracted by the sound of your doorbell ringing. A rare instance in your life of things going in your favor for once. You grab Jade quickly and go to answer your door, giving Terezi a glare as you do.

==> Rose: Meddle.

Your name is ROSE LALONDE, and you're a woman of many and varied PASSIONS. You dabble in the OCCULT (if the world’s foremost expert can be said to dabble), have a soft spot for LITERATURE OF AN ARCANE PERSUASION, and are often found INTERFERING in your friends’ AFFAIRS. Today, for instance. You're standing outside June’s apartment with your wife, holding an unorthodox housewarming gift that you’re pretty sure June will enjoy.

I am more than capable of weaving my own inner monologue, Ms. Starbreaker. An inner monologue with far less extraneous capitalization and more accuracy. If you'd simply hand over the metaphorical keyboard. Or the literal one, I suppose.

You know what? Go for it.

Thank you. My dearest Kanaya and I stand on the threshold of the home June shares with Terezi and Vriska. The sound emanating from within can only be described as the precipitation of conflict, which engenders no small degree of nervousness. I am neither late nor early; I have arrived precisely when I mean to, and yet my intervention may not be welcomed given the cantankerous actions of my brother. Regardless, I push the button for June’s doorbell. The sound of strife falls silent, leaving the doorbell echoing inside in relative quiet. June opens the door after a moment, bringing Jade with her.

JUNE: rose! kanaya! it's so good to see you, come on in! do you need anything to drink? the living room is this way!

She recites her ritual of hospitality at a breakneck pace, ushering the two of us into her common room with an air of urgency. As we exit her foyer, the source of her frustration is made apparent. Vriska is bent over, picking up her glasses from the floor and performing a motion best described as recalibrating her shoulder. Jade steals June with a 'pop' noise, teleporting off to some unknown location, and Kanaya handles the situation with her charming directness.

KANAYA: Vriska  
KANAYA: What Did You Do  
VRISKA: Don't get your Earth panties in a 8unch, Fussyfangs. I maaaaaaaay have fucked up. Slightly.  
ROSE: Oh? Do tell.  
VRISKA: I just asked Harley how she was sleeping these days. She’s the one who threw a whole fit a8out it.  
ROSE: I highly doubt that's the end of your tale, Ms. Serket. Jade is a woman containing multitudes, but she is not quick to take offense.  
VRISKA: Fuuuuuuuuck. Let’s all h8 on Serket. 8luh 8luh, massive 8itch, killed all my friends, made me t8ke a f8cking n8p 8ecause o8viously that’s what f8cking m8tters here!  
VRISKA: 8ut you wouldn’t even h8ve this stupid f8cking planet without me!!!!!!!!  
VRISKA: And what do I f8cking get????????  
VRISKA: A planet wh8re I'm a g8ddess that can’t show her f8cking f8ce without 8eing jeered at?

She turns to Terezi, trembling, and points an accusing finger at the blind girl.

VRISKA: WHY D8D YOU 8R8NG ME 8ACK????????  
TEREZI: B3C4US3…

With a decrescendo, Terezi's voice becomes a tremulous whisper. 

TEREZI: b3c4us3 1t w4sn’t worth 1t w1thout you >:[  
TEREZI: 1t w4s suppos3d to b3 4 h4ppy 3nd1ng r1ght?  
TEREZI: or 4n 3nd1ng 4t l34st  
TEREZI: but th3r3 1s no h4ppy 3nd1ng for m3 wh3n you’r3 not th3r3 too  
TEREZI: w3 w3r3 suppos3d to st1ck tog3th3r >:|

At this, June and Jade return from whatever convenient pocket of space they disappeared to for their sidebar. Jade's lips are downturned in a catenary of annoyance, which only deepens when Vriska speaks once more.

VRISKA: So…….. you want me to st8y?  
TEREZI: unl3ss you w4nt m3 to ch4s3 you down 4g41n, y34h >:/  
VRISKA: ………Oh.  
JADE: of course we dont want you to run away!!!  
JADE: god vriska nobody wants you to leave! we just want you to be better!!!! running away wont fix anything itll just make it worse!  
JADE: maybe if you actually tried to be less of a JERK people could stand being around you!  
VRISKA: W8. Harley. J8de. You don’t want me gone?  
JADE: gone as in not 6 feet away from me? yeah. i kinda do! but not gone as in leaving the universe again! don't pull that righteous martyr crap on us. >:(

At this, the cerulean-blooded girl loses a portion of the tension in every muscle of her body. She blinks languidly a few times, then sits back down on the coffee table.

VRISKA: Okay.  
ROSE: Okay…?  
VRISKA: Okay. I won’t. 

Terezi drags Vriska from the table to an actual chair, and Ms. Serket allows herself to be drawn without resistance. The room has fallen silent, all of us apparently having forgotten the ostensible purpose of this gathering. 

KANAYA: So June  
KANAYA: You Have A Lovely Home  
KANAYA: We Brought You A Gift Of Sorts  
JUNE: oh, thanks! 

All of us except my wife. What would I do without her? She has a singular ability to draw others into the correct orbits about her and about each other, a gravity which captured my momentum a very long time ago and has never for a moment ceased its wondrous attraction. With a flourish, she presents June with an oversized captchalogue card. Upon its face is depicted an elaborate armoire. June takes the card and places the armoire on the ground. As she opens it, it's completely empty. Her puzzled expression intensifies for a moment, but she quickly turns to the two of us with a smile.

JUNE: thanks, guys!  
KANAYA: For Clarification  
KANAYA: This Garment Storage Chamber Is Not Our Gift  
KANAYA: It Is Merely A Garment Storage Chamber  
KANAYA: Our Gift Is Twofold  
KANAYA: Given Your Recent Change  
KANAYA: We Had Deduced That You Might Be In Need Of  
KANAYA: A New Wardrobe  
ROSE: Kanaya is, as you know, a phenomenally talented seamstress.  
KANAYA: If Youll Permit  
KANAYA: My Gift To You Is To Fashion You Several New Outfits In A Style Of Your Choice  
ROSE: And mine, should you accept, is to teach you the arcane art of coiffure. Or to knit you several varieties of hat, if that is your preference.  
JUNE: oh my god, you two are amazing!

With that, June wraps us in the ridiculously strong hug apparently hereditary to the Harley-Egbert-Crocker-Englishes. As God Tiers, the Prospit family's terrifying capacity for physical affection has increased to dangerous levels. I have warned them in no uncertain terms that they may crush an average mortal, but they continue to menace the world with their propensity for hugs. When Kanaya and I are finally released from June’s iron grip, her grin is positively beaming. 

JUNE: that's such an amazing gift! i don't even know where to start!  
ROSE: I can imagine how you’d be flabbergasted at the idea, but even with two universes’ worth of possible styles to choose from Kanaya and I are more than happy to provide suggestions.  
JUNE: oh, that’d be great! i think i have at least one idea though, if it's possible…

She leans in to whisper to Kanaya, and my wife’s jade irises widen in surprise. 

KANAYA: I Can Certainly See The Appeal  
KANAYA: Are You Sure This Is What You Want  
JUNE: positive! :D  
KANAYA: Alright Then  
KANAYA: Let Me Take Your Measurements

June stands dutifully while Kanaya takes her measurements and writes them down. Meanwhile, Jade and Vriska are having what appears by all means to be a productive conversation on the couch, and Terezi is texting someone on her insect-themed phone. I believe my work is done here, Ms. Starbreaker. You may have your narrative back.

==> Terezi: Meddle.

You’re once more Terezi Pyrope, and your plan is going exactly as intended. You’re introducing small bits of chaos into the system, one by one, and stirring slowly until it dissolves. Jade, then Rose and Kanaya, and hopefully Roxy and Calliope soon, have all been really good for June. You have that nerd dead to rights. If you can build her confidence in her friends up, you build her confidence in herself up too. The rest are going to be a challenge, but you’ve never shied from one of those. Dave shouldn’t be a problem for much longer anyway. The number of long, shouty rants in your Trollian messages from Karkat has dropped drastically over the past day, and Karkat is a zero sum game. If you’re getting less shouting, someone else is getting much, much more shouting. You have only one guess as to whom, and you’d almost feel sorry for the coolkid if he hadn’t been such an absolute bulge to you. But he had, so you don’t. Besides, you’re doing a much more important piece of pity right now. You're making sure Vriska and Jade don't kill each other.

VRISKA: Yeah, 8ut it looked so cool.  
JADE: looks arent everything! :P  
JADE: have you ever gotten lost in your own house because its just too big????  
VRISKA: O8viously. My tower was the 8iggest. I had so much sp8ce for my treasure and my 8om8s. You can’t help getting lost in something that awesome every now and then.  
JADE: you had a tower too??  
VRISKA: Yep! It was 8asically a maze. 8ut that’s what happens when you give wigglers an army of ro8ots and tell them to 8uild a hive.  
JADE: i wouldnt have kids build their own houses but now that im 24 it seemed like a good idea!  
JADE: building my new house wasnt hard at all especially with spacey powers!  
JADE: its still big but its not enormous. and its definitely not full of armor and treasure and trophies @_@  
JADE: just me my veggies and science :D :D  
VRISKA: …  
VRISKA: Fuck.  
JADE: fuck?  
VRISKA: You’re pretty cool, Harley. You didn’t deserve me messing with your thinkpan like that. I’m sorry.  
JADE: apology accepted!  
VRISKA: Just like that????????  
JADE: just like that!  
JADE: im not going to yell at you to be better and then say no when you try!!  
VRISKA: Does this mean we're friends now?  
JADE: it means we can try!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit to Varynova for betaing this fic!
> 
> Sorry to extend the finale; there just had to be some Pyrope angst.

==> Terezi: Remember.

Your name is TEREZI PYROPE, IMPERIAL LEGISLACERATOR. Well, technically Imperial Legislacerator isn’t part of your name, but just like your name you chose it with pride. You can't imagine any other life for you, really. Chasing criminal scum through the stars and bringing them to Her Condescension's justice is what brings you joy and always has. Right now, you're on some primitive backwater the Empire has only just conquered, in pursuit of the hottest case you've ever had. An actual rebellion, home-cooked on Alternia, trying to get its fledgling roots into the ground. Every criminal ring is the same; if you cut the heads off its ringleaders with sufficient glee, everyone else involved quickly learns to find gainful employment elsewhere. In this case, the search for those ringleaders has brought you here to this “Earth.”

Really. The hornless mammals named their planet Earth. Yet more proof if any was needed (it wasn’t) that they deserved to be conquered. It would almost make sense, you think, if they had another word for dirt. But no, their homeworld and dirt are the same word. After spending half a perigee here, you’ve come to agree with that choice more and more. You can smell the deceit piling up around you, lies and blood and sweat and terror. It’s always like this on occupied worlds. Everyone’s lying and everyone’s terrified. The hornless freaks dart out of your path as you prowl the streets, afraid that perhaps you’ll decide to cull them for the hell of it. You won’t, of course. Sure, you’re a bit down on your quota for the sweep, but you get the feeling this ring of rebels will get your numbers back on track.

You almost appreciate the honesty and simplicity of their terror. It’s so different than the fear you get from trolls. Even now, so many of your kind are feigning their terror out of respect for your office, rather than out of respect for your notoriety. That’s been slowly changing, but it’s still refreshing to have the delicate bouquet of dread these humans display. You just hope the ones you’re actually hunting, the ones harboring that rebel scum Vantas, taste nearly as good while you smell them die.

Just your luck, there’s one of them now, loitering in possibly the most conspicuous manner possible around a back door. At every turn these aliens disappoint you. Where’s their predatory instinct, their love for the thrill of the hunt? The human couldn’t possibly be screaming “I’m guarding this door behind which lies criminal activity!” any louder if they were physically screaming it. You stroll up, tapping your cane against the walls of the alley for dramatic effect.

TEREZI: H3Y TH3R3 HUM4N  
TEREZI: HOW’S TH3 W34TH3R? >:]  
JUNE: what? uh, it’s fine, ma’am.  
JUNE: a perfect day for taking out the trash. which is what i'm taking a short break from doing.  
TEREZI: HUH  
TEREZI: MUST B3 S3R3ND1P1TY  
TEREZI: ME TOO >:]

You cackle with glee as the human raises their hands to fight you. There’s nothing quite like the fight. As you lunge at them, they block your cane's blunt attacks several times, even managing to get a couple of hits in on you themselves. They never see it coming when you twist the dragon's head at the top of your cane and plunge your sword through their heart. They never see the eye-to-eye grin as you lick the blade clean of their delicious, candy-red blood.

==>

Your name is TEREZI PYROPE, FREELANCE FIXER. You’ve been slated for culling by the Empire for six, seven sweeps now, on account of your blindness. You never thought as a wiggler that that would matter. Had always convinced yourself that you were still useful to the Empire, still worth keeping in their fucked up calculus. You thought the system was right, just, and most of all, fun. Now you’re the one on the run, and it doesn’t seem nearly so nostalgic. This side of the law is where you belong, maybe where you always have. Besides, your work is the same. You make problems disappear. Doesn’t particularly matter to you anymore who it’s for. Her Condescension, the Second Sufferer, or some chump with their mind and wallet too heavy-laden. So it’s no surprise at all when a low-level official slaps a folder on your makeshift desk. A folder labeled “Vriska Serket.”

EQUIUS: D--> I have a problem.  
EQUIUS: D--> You will solve it immediately.

Yeah. That sounds about right. You can’t wait to get started.

==>

Your name is TEREZI PYROPE, and you’ve just graduated summa cum laude from Columbia Law. As you walk the streets with your best friend Vriska Serket, you see a city that needs help; a city with too many problems and not enough dedication. That’s okay. You’ve got dedication to spare. You and Vriska are starting a law firm and you’re going to help Hell's Kitchen whether they want it or not…

Your name is TEREZI PYROPE(Terezi Pyrope)((terezi pyrope)), LAW PROFESSOR (Bounty Hunter)((shopkeeper)), and you are TIRED(So Tired)((so very tired)). You have no idea who you are (no idea who you are) ((no fucking clue who you’re supposed to be)), and you wish you could just wake up (Wake Up)((WAKE UP)).

==> Terezi: Wake Up.

You wake up atop a pile of laundry and girls, entangled in at least two pairs of jeans and two dorks. Vriska’s hand is lying across your own, stretched across June’s sprawled out form between the two of you. You’re glad of it, and for once you’re glad you didn’t sleep in a recuperacoon. No SOPOR SLIME could protect you from these nightmares, because they’re not nightmares. Every single one of them was real – is real – and they’re all you. That’s worse than any chucklevoodoo, more frightening than anything the horrorterrors could muster. You’re not a Time or Heart player; you figured you’d have less splinters than most. Maybe you do, but a smaller infinity is still an infinity, and your infinite selves come knocking every time you close your eyes. The thing that really scares you the most is that every single one of them seems to know who they are, and you just … don’t.

Your name is TEREZI PYROPE, and you’re a PHANTASM. A reflection in a shadowed mirror, hanging somewhere beyond the Veil. You’re a predator without prey, a woman without a mission, a hunter without the chase. You have absolutely no idea how to define yourself, because you’ve only ever been defined in relation to others. Team Scourge. Red Team. Even in your roleplaying, you’re never just you. Because if all the cards are on their tables, there’s no such thing as “you.” You’ve always been Vriska’s shadow, Tavros’s avenger, Dave’s partner in timecrime, and the list goes on. You don’t want to be any of these alternate selves, but you have to admit they are all more sure of themselves than you could ever hope to be.

Vriska’s not actually asleep. You can tell because her breathing is irregular, and because she’s peeking at you with the bottommost of her eightfold eyes. You sigh dramatically and get up.

TEREZI: GOOD MORN1NG >:]  
TEREZI: YOU LOOK TR4PP3D TH3R3.  
TEREZI: 1T WOULD B3 4 SH4M3 1F SOM3ON3 L3FT YOU STUCK UND3RN34TH 3GB3RT FOR TH3 WHOL3 D4Y.  
VRISKA: Don’t you d8re!!!!!!!!  
VRISKA: She’s a8out as far out as humans get. If you help, we can move her to her 8lock and 8e free. ::::)  
TEREZI: 4ND WH4T’S 1N 1T FOR M3? >:]  
VRISKA: If you help of your own free will, I don’t m8ke you help. :::;)  
TEREZI: F1N3.  


Usually you’d bicker more, but today you’re just not in the mood. You help her lift the sleeping nerd and carry her safely to her sleeping platform. Eventually, you’re going to have to get her back for coating your room in the stench of mint. But today’s not the day for it. Especially since in the mint-flavored darkness you found some of the rarest discontinued Scalemates. You’re suspending her sentence… for now.

See, there you go doing it again. The legal puns. The elaborate lawyering fantasy. Is there even a point to it all? You – this you – were never a lawyer at all. You hunted down one criminal, and never even got to pass judgment before June zapped in throwing her fists. You’ve never practiced law, and on Earth C, you don’t really feel an inclination to. Justice here just doesn’t seem… fun. Even in the troll-majority places, there’s no culling, no hunts, nothing of the sort. And that’s an objectively good thing. You know how the Alternian empire treated the people under its rule was wrong. Dave, June, Rose, even Jade you guess, they all showed you that there was a way that didn’t require such brutality all the time. You shouldn’t miss it. But it’s what you were literally raised for. It’s what all the forces of your homeworld built you to do. Dispense merciless, brutal judgment, with not a care for the consequence. You leave Egbert’s block softly, retreat to the now-empty living block, and pull out your phone.

You scour through your chumproll, trying to find someone who might have even a hint of a clue. Someone else who might get it. Vriska’s obviously out of the question; you know exactly what that conversation would be like, and you don’t want to have it right now. Dave’s been an asshole about you, and not even to your face. That rules out Karkat, too; Nubs McShouty is probably busy with Dave’s bullshit at the moment. In the end you decide to pester Rose about it. She’s a Seer too; if anyone has the faintest idea it’ll be her.

UnseenJustice is typing…  
  
UnseenJustice 9:01am  
H3Y L4LOND3  
4R3 YOU TH3R3??  
  
TentacleTherapist 9:02am  
Almost never, especially depending on which “there.” However, given I’m responding to your messages, you can safely assume I can be contacted.  
What’s on your mind?  
  
UnseenJustice 9:02am  
MY M1ND  
OR M1NDS 1 GU3SS? >:/  
1 K33P G3TT1NG 4LL TH3S3 M3MOR13S OF OTH3R L1V3S  
  
TentacleTherapist 9:03am  
Ah, the ultimate self. I was wondering when the effects would manifest themselves in you. I assume you’ve come to me for help in reconciling these memories with your own identity? I’m afraid I’ve only recently begun to gain mastery of my vast array of infinite splinters, but I’m more than willing to make the attempt.  
  
UnseenJustice 9:03am  
NO, TH3Y’R3 4LL PR3TTY MUCH M3. TH4T’S WH4T 1 N33D H3LP W1TH.  
  
TentacleTherapist 9:05am  
Perhaps I’m misunderstanding you. Your splinters are very similar to yourself, and that concerns you? Would that not make the process of reconciliation easier to handle?  
  
UnseenJustice 9:05am  
TH3Y’R3 4LL M3  
4ND 1’M NOT  
NOT 4NYMOR3  
  
TentacleTherapist 9:05am  
Oh. Yes, I can see why that’d be unsettling. And possibly why it’d be easier to come to me as a relative stranger than to the ones you’re close to. When you say that you’re not yourself anymore, what do you mean?  
  
UnseenJustice 9:05am  
WH4T 1S M3?  
WH4T DO3S 1T M34N TO B3 T3R3Z1 PYROP3? >:?  
4LL OF TH3M H4V3 ANSW3RS  
1 DON’T L1K3 TH31R 4NSW3RS BUT TH3Y’R3 NOT WRONG  
1 DON’T 3V3N H4V3 4 B4D 4NSW3R  
  
UnseenJustice 9:07am  
JUST MOR3 QU3ST1ONS  
  
TentacleTherapist 9:08am  
You say that your other selves have better answers than you. Just for argument’s sake, would you mind sharing one of those answers? Who is Terezi Pyrope?  
  
UnseenJustice 9:09am  
1’M 4 W34PON  
SH4RP, D34DLY, 4ND 4CCUR4T3  
  
TentacleTherapist 9:11am  
Yes. It’s very easy to think of yourself that way, isn’t it? You’re precisely correct. Both of us are weapons, when left to our own devices. My singleminded quest for knowledge, for truth, made me the ideal weapon for those with the foreknowledge to manipulate me. First the horrorterrors, then your Doctor Scratch aimed me at their objectives and let loose the trigger. From what you’ve said in the past, it seems like this is a familiar tale for you.  
  
UnseenJustice 9:11am  
Y3S >:[  
TH3 F1RST F3W T1M3L1N3S 1 R3M3MB3R3D W3R3 OTH3R ON3S FROM OUR S3SS1ON WH3R3 1 W4S PL4YED L1KE 4 FR3TL3SS FOUR STR1NG D3V1C3  
W3 4LL W3R3 BUT MOSTLY M3  
BY MR V4N1LL4 M1LKSH4K3, BY G4MZ33, BY VR1SK4  
  
TentacleTherapist 9:12am  
I suspected as much. We’re rather similar, all things considered. With that in mind, I have another question for you. How many of those other Terezis are being played right now? Like a fretless, four-stringed device?

UnseenJustice 9:13am  
4LL OF TH3M  
OR 4LL TH3 ON3S 1’V3 B33N 4T L34ST

TentacleTherapist 9:13am  
Would you rather be them, knowing as you do that they’re acting as instruments of another’s will? Or does this knowledge contaminate the envy you experience, robbing the jealousy of its existential sting?

UnseenJustice 9:14am  
M4YB3 BOTH?  
TH3YR3 B31NG US3D BUT 4T L34ST TH3Y’R3 CONF1D3NT 4BOUT 1T

TentacleTherapist 9:15am  
Ms. Pyrope, I’m disappointed. You, of all people, should understand that ignorance is not bliss. Each of them is also you, are they not? Give yourselves a bit of credit. Do you believe that any of them will escape the realization that they’re being manipulated? Is any possible version of Terezi Pyrope that unintelligent?

UnseenJustice 9:15am  
… NO. >:|  
4 LOT OF TH3M 4LR34DY SUSP3CT 1T  
4ND WH3N TH3Y F1ND OUT FOR SUR3 TH3Y’LL B4S1C4LLY B3 M3

TentacleTherapist 9:13am  
The difference is that you’ve had a head start on the process of self-realization. You don’t have to be manipulated again, Terezi. Purpose does not necessarily imply direction granted externally. The will that guides your hand can be your own if you allow it.

UnseeingJustice 9:14am  
TH3 FR4GR4NT COLOR OF YOUR T3XT 4LMOST M4K3S YOUR PL4T1TUD3S P4L4T4BL3  
4LMOST >:[  
Y3S, 4LL TH1S T1M3 TH3 SOLUT1ON W4S R1GHT UND3R MY NOS3  
JUST DON’T G3T PL4YED, PYROP3  
M4K3 YOUR OWN D3C1S1ONS  
TH3 PO1NT OF TH1S WHOL3 TH1NG W4S TH4T 1 DON’T KNOW HOW TO DO TH4T!!

TentacleTherapist 9:14am  
It’s not a strict binary. There are many degrees of freedom between complete independence and manipulation. I would recommend following your instincts and consulting those you trust for guidance in equal parts. 

UnseenJustice 9:15am  
COMPROM1S3 1S...  
NOT USU4LLY 4N 4LT3RN14N TR41T  
BUT TH1S 1SN’T 4LT3RN14 4NYMOR3 >:/  
1’LL TH1NK 4BOUT 1T  
TH4NKS L4LOND3  
1F YOU K33P TH1S UP P3OPL3 W1LL STOP TH1NK1NG YOU’R3 CRYPT1C AND 1NSCRUT4BL3

TentacleTherapist 9:16am  
It’s been a pleasure. While I have you, how is June? I worry she’s going to return to her old habit of isolating herself from everyone. Already, most of us have sent her several messages with no reply.

UnseenJustice 9:15am  
3GB3RT? SH3’S SL33P1NG OFF 4 T1M3 TR4V3L H4NGOV3R >:P  
1F YOU’R3 WORR13D 4BOUT H3R H1D1NG 1N H3R C4VE 1 H4V3 A SOLUT1ON FOR YOU  
COM3 V1S1T US, OUR C4V3 H4S COFF33 4ND 4 P14NO  
4ND 1SN’T 4 C4V3

TentacleTherapist 9:16am  
That’s a rather good idea. I must admit to some level of curiosity as to your interior decorating style, given the vast disparity in tastes between the three of you.

UnseenJustice 9:16am  
TH3R3’S 4 LOT OF BLU3  
4NYW4Y YOU G4V3 M3 4N ID34  
1 H4V3 TO GO BUT YOU SHOULD V1S1T US

TentacleTherapist 9:17am  
Yes, I believe I should.

You put the palmhusk away, contemplative of what exactly your instincts are that you should be following. The basics are pretty much the same as they’ve always been, right? Almost every single one of your splinters is a lawyer of some kind. Which makes sense, given that it’s a field you were trained in from birth. But on Earth, there are lots of different kinds of lawyers. They don’t just have to hunt criminals. You can get justice in other ways, using the fearsome powers of … well, you don’t find Earth C’s legal system fearsome at all. But perhaps you can use it to help make the planet a better place? You’re positive that Jane isn’t the only person with xenophobic ideas about your species. While she mostly just bloviates, others are sure to be acting on these ideas. Acting, you dare say, ILLEGALLY. You return to your block, pick up a tome on Earth-C law, and begin reading with your tongue. Between the pulpy texture of the Earth paper and the acrid bite of the ink, you taste something new here. It’s the taste of the future.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And now for the conclusion!
> 
> Thanks again to Varynova, whose feedback absolutely made this fic the best it could be, and thanks to all of you for reading it! <3

==> Dave: Listen.

_"- set the world on fire, flames are getting higher, up and dance! up and go!"_

Tick. Tick. Tick.

The last line of the shitty Eurobeat song you're only listening to ironically fades 3.6 seconds ahead of schedule, leaving your ears in absolute silence, save for your pulse. 

Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.

Your name is DAVE STRIDER, and you've long forgotten what it felt like to have a heart. If your pulse had anything to do with your adrenaline level, you're pretty sure it would match the fastest dance beat out there. Instead, you get the same sixty ticks a minute, marking off your life in consistent intervals. Reminding you that you could go back, if you wanted to. A flick of the wrist and you'd be stopping your past self from putting his foot so far in his mouth it's partway digested by now. You'd have just one tiny stable time loop to finish, and your friends would still be talking to you. It's been two days since any of them acknowledged your existence. Two days since you got pranked by Jo - no, June - and since you tried to pin her whole transition on Vriska. And you're the Knight of Time. You could undo it, right now. Well, not right now, two days ago, but the same idea applies. Time travel isn't something you do lightly. You swore off it years ago, and haven't even considered it for six months (three days, eleven hours, four minutes, twenty-seven seconds). Until tonight. 

Tonight, your timetables thrum invitingly from their display case on the wall, and you almost take the bait. Almost. But that's the thing. Even if you went back and changed it, you'd know. With a sigh, you get up and take off your headphones, picking up one of the pictures of you and Karkat that June left here. On the one hand, you hate the fact that these pictures exist. The two of you aren't heroes. You're not gods. You're just two dudes who happen to have created the universe, and you don't need the attention. On the other hand? This picture might just be perfect. The two of you are sitting on a bench in the park, the sunset catching your shades just so, and Karkat is smiling at you. A perfect moment that you couldn't have captured better yourself. Not that you'd want to try. Karkat himself is still sleeping, with an adorably cranky expression on his face as usual. You pull out your laptop and message June.

\-- turntechGodhead[TG] began pestering ectoBiologist[EB] at 1:47 am! --  
  
TG: hey june  
\-- ectoBiologist[EB] did not receive this message! --  
TG: still blocked huh  
\-- ectoBiologist[EB] did not receive this message! --  
TG: aight that tracks  
\-- ectoBiologist[EB] did not receive this message! --  
  
\-- turntechGodhead[TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist[EB] at 1:55 am! --  


TurntechGodhead is typing…  
  
TurntechGodhead 1:56am  
hey june  
you up  
shit what am i thinking of course youre not  
its like ass o clock in the morning  
  
TurntechGodhead 2:00am  
fuck it its better this way anyway  
get everything out there lay all my cards on the table  
cards you never saw before even  
inventing new cards right the fuck out of nowhere to lay down on this prime mahogany  
layin them down all casual  
three of diamonds twelve of snow  
ace of sleepless nights  
seventeen of fives  
shit im getting off track here  
point is i was an asshole  
and ofc by was i dont mean im not currently an asshole  
i am the assiest of holes  
  
TurntechGodhead 2:03am  
youre my best bro  
or best sis now i guess  
and i fucked up june  
im sorry  
  
EctoBiologist 2:04am  
yeah, dave, you kinda did.  
  
TurntechGodhead 2:05am  
shit youre awake  
at this ungodly hour of the night  
  
EctoBiologist 2:05am  
hehe with my roommates did you expect anything less?  
anyway, you were groveling.  
don't let me interrupt you.  
  
TurntechGodhead 2:06am  
thats cold as hell egbert  
but fair i guess  
i cant tell you what to do june  
shit i dont even do things  
so i cant tell you how to live your life and i shouldnt have tried  
and yeah i still got some beef with tz  
but thats between the two of us and you shouldnt be in the spit zone  
so yeah  
  
EctoBiologist 2:07am  
you know, vriska and terezi would probably love to hear an apology too.  
  
TurntechGodhead 2:08am  
do they still have their old handles?  
  
EctoBiologist 2:09am  
... dave, i don't mean over text.  
it's 2 am, are you hungry?  
  
TurntechGodhead 2:10am  
i mean yeah  
im never turning down grub  
  
EctoBiologist 2:11am  
that's a really good choice of words there, strider.  
get your butt over here, we have east alternian takeout and smash siblings.  


That... sounds pretty good, actually. You could go for a few rounds of Smash Siblings. You close the laptop, slowly walk out the door, and fly on over to Casa del Egbert. Shit. De la? Casa de la Egbert? Eh. You'll think of something. As promised, when you land on the balcony you can smell the East Alternian takeout from inside. You knock on the balcony door with your right hand, and it's Vriska that answers.

VRISKA: Strider? What are you doing here?  
DAVE: uh i was told yall had smash sibs going  
DAVE: egbert said i could get in on the action  
DAVE: dibs on fuckin meta knight btw   
VRISKA: Meta Knight.  
VRISKA: Out of all the possi8le fighters in this game you choose the most wiggler-tier 8ullshit fighter.  
VRISKA: Yeah, that seems a8out right. ::::)  
VRISKA: What, are you just going to stand there wearing sunglasses in the pitch 8lack? Come on in.

You smirk and walk in the doors, and she follows far too closely for your comfort, taking a moment to whisper in your ear.

VRISKA: If Pyrope kills you, I'll 8e making sure you stay down. Permanently. 

She pulls away and raises her voice back to normal.

VRISKA: Try the curried cluck8east, it's to die for. :::;)

Jegus, she's batshit. Luckily, she sits down in front of June's TV, and you can wander over to the kitchen where Egbert and Terezi are instead. Not to avoid her, of course. You're not the kind of guy that runs from danger. Danger's your middle fucking name. Or at least nobody can prove it isn't, what with the Houston Vital Records Office being incinerated by meteors and flooded to death by the Condesce. Nope, you're going to go talk to June and TZ for entirely non-danger-related reasons. That aren't you being scared. 

DAVE: hey june  
DAVE: thanks for inviting me over  
JUNE: no problem, dave.  
JUNE: that sure is a look on your face there, my guy.  
JUNE: did vriska threaten you?

You're about to answer vaguely when June continues.

JUNE: without me? :)  
DAVE: uhh  
DAVE: yeah but its chill  
DAVE: hey tz hows it hangin  
TEREZI: OH H3LLO TH3R3 D4V3  
TEREZI: 4R3 YOU H3R3 TO 1NSULT M3 PROP3RLY?  
TEREZI: B3C4US3 DO1NG TH4T B3H1ND MY B4CK IS 4 COW4RD'S MOV3  
DAVE: im actually here to apologize  
TEREZI: R34LLY >:/  
DAVE: uh shit hold up  
DAVE: im here to plead guilty  
DAVE: guilty like oj simpson  
DAVE: but clearly im a superior fruit  
DAVE: guilty like aj simpson

Terezi sighs and taps the hilt of her cane against the counter twice.

TEREZI: TH3 F1RST D1STRICT COURT OF TH1S 4P4RTM3NT 1S NOW 1N S3SS1ON  
TEREZI: TH3 MOSTLY-4D3QU4T3 JUDG3 3GB3RT PR3S1D1NG  
JUNE: wait, what? don't drag me into this.  
TEREZI: TOO L4T3 JUN3  
TEREZI: YOU'R3 1NTO 1T ALR34DY >:]  
JUNE: okay, fine.  
JUNE: in the case of, uh, the people vs dave strider how do you plead?  
DAVE: guilty as shit your honor  
JUNE: wait aren't there supposed to be charges  
TEREZI: TH3 CH4RG3 1S B31NG 4 SH1TTY FR13ND 4ND 4 COW4RD  
DAVE: yeah that  
DAVE: like i said dawg guilty as fuck  
DAVE: throw me in the slammer but tell karkat he's a dipshit for me first  
TEREZI: CONJUG4L V1S1TS 4R3 4LLOW3D 1N TH3 SL4MM3R >:]  
JUNE: does the,   
JUNE: okay i'm not doing this. dave, what do you have to say for yourself?  
DAVE: im sorry tz  
DAVE: i was really pissed when you decided to split after we came here  
DAVE: like we had a whole universe ahead of us  
DAVE: and you decided to go find vriska serket instead  
DAVE: and like that still fuckin hurts  
DAVE: cause were all your friends too  
DAVE: but that doesnt mean i get to tell you how to live your life  
DAVE: or take it out on our friends  
TEREZI: 1F 1T W4S K4RK4T OUT TH3R3 WOULDN'T YOU DO TH3 S4M3 TH1NG?  
DAVE: am i a shitty boyfriend if i say i dont think so  
DAVE: like i absolutely would spend all eternity looking for him if he had gotten lost  
DAVE: but thats not the scenario here  
DAVE: if karkat had decided that being the big hero was more important than me  
DAVE: which he wouldnt because hes basically fucking allergic to heroism  
DAVE: but whatever either way thats not how i react when my friends walk away  
DAVE: when someone important to me decides to just fuckin split what the hell do you think i do  
DAVE: take a guess pyrope  
TEREZI: YOU HOLD 4 GRUDG3 4ND T4K3 1T OUT ON TH31R FR13NDS  
DAVE: yeah pretty much  
DAVE: and the thing is im not wrong for being mad at you  
DAVE: just for the way i did it  
TEREZI: TH3 PROS3CUTOR WOULD L1K3 TO CROSS 3X4M1NE   
JUNE: uh, sure? go for it, rez.  
TEREZI: CUT3SY N1CKN4M3S 4R3 PROH1B1T3D 1N TH3 COURTBLOCK YOUR 4D3QU4CY  
JUNE: ...  
JUNE: but you let dave do it like a minute ago.  
TEREZI: W1LL YOU LOOK 4T TH4T 1T'S T1M3 FOR TH3 JUDG3 TO SHUT UP 4ND L3T TH3 PROS3CUTOR DO TH3 QU3ST1ON1NG  
TEREZI: D4V3 1...  
TEREZI: 1'M NOT SORRY >:/  
TEREZI: NOT FOR L34V1NG  
TEREZI: 1 H4D TO F1ND H3R 4ND M4K3 SUR3 SH3 W4S S4F3  
TEREZI: 1T'S WH4T 1 DO >:]  
TEREZI: BUT 1'M SORRY FOR NOT T4LK1NG TO YOU 4BOUT 1T  
TEREZI: YOU'R3 MY FR13ND COOLK1D  
TEREZI: SO W1TH TWO H4LF 4POLOG13S, HOW DO3S TH3 JUDG3 RUL3?  
JUNE: you're both emotionally stunted nerds who need to just hug it out already.  
JUNE: that's my sentence. hug it out and come play video games with us.  
DAVE: uh your adequacy  
JUNE: seriously, strider? you're going to let her have that one?  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: uh your adequacy can i appeal that sentence to remove the hugging  
JUNE: no. i get that you striders aren't huggers but the sentence stands.  
DAVE: no no its not that   
DAVE: hugging is cool  
DAVE: im so chill with hugging its like the antarctic depths of physical affection in here  
DAVE: its just that tz is like entirely made of pointy elbows  
TEREZI: >:]  
TEREZI: YOU H34RD TH3 JUDG3 STR1D3R  
TEREZI: YOU DON'T W4NT TO B3 1N CONT3MPT OF COURT

Yeah, you really don't. You're pretty sure that's the point where Vriska gets involved, and whatever bullshit she's going to pull to prevent god tier resurrections, you don't want any part of it. You hug Terezi gently, and as expected, she does not know the meaning of the fucking word gentle. Her hug twists your spine into a new and more absurd orientation, and you can hear the noise it makes. When she releases you, you rewind your spinal cord by a few minutes to heal it, and she only grins wider. Gog, she's got so many fucking teeth. With the hug accomplished, June walks out into the living room and you follow her, taking a controller and getting swept up in the Smash Siblings action. Shit, is this what it feels like when everything's okay?

==> June: Cheat.

Hey, now. You would never. Cheating is dishonorable in any universe and you're a woman of honor and poise. 

Okay, yeah, you're cheating a little. You've always played Samus, and she's not technically supposed to be able to switch forms at will like this. But a little bit of retcon power, a promise of the world's best tropical weather for the programmers' honeymoons, and it turns out you can get any cheat code you want put into the game. It's not even cheating if it's built in, is it? That's definitely how you'll be defending yourself when Terezi inevitably interrogates you about it. The thing is, every shot you're taking is missing. You're pretty sure Vriska is stealing all your luck. Allllllll of it. Terezi's going at it too; the only one who doesn't seem to be actively cheating using their powers is Dave. That's fair, though, given that playing Meta Knight is basically cheating to begin with. After the ten minutes expire in the match with nobody losing a single stock, you realize that maybe the game is no match for all of you. 

VRISKA: That was........ amazing.   
TEREZI: R34LLY? YOU D1DN'T W1N  
VRISKA: I a8solutely did. This took incredi8le tactical planning to pull off, and I made it happen.  
DAVE: sounds like bullshit but ok  
DAVE: maybe there was no winner  
DAVE: i think maybe the real prize was the friends we made along the way  
JUNE: dave, you're full of shit.  
VRISKA: He's a8out three-fourths right, Eg8ert. You, me, and Pyrope don't make 8ad prizes at all.  
DAVE: whoa excuse me here serket  
DAVE: i am prime fucking prize material  
DAVE: children all across earth c are savin their goddamn cereal boxes like squirrels hoarding acorns  
DAVE: all in a mad dash to be the first person to have enough fuckin box tops to get the biggest prize of them all  
DAVE: im the prize  
DAVE: its me  
VRISKA: Ehhhhhhhh. Does the manufacturer do refunds? Some sort of money-8ack guarantee?  
VRISKA: I don't really want a Strider. Where would I even put one? :::;)  
DAVE: all sales final fuckass  
VRISKA: Damn. Well, I guess I'll have to get used to you 8eing around, then.  
DAVE: looks like it  
DAVE: anyway karkats gonna fly off the handle if he wakes up and im not there  
DAVE: so i guess ill see yall around  
DAVE: dont be strangers  
JUNE: byyyyyyyye, dave!  
TEREZI: L4T3R STR1D3R

Dave gets up and leaves, straightening up his cape before flying on home. Terezi and Vriska keep bickering back and forth over whether any of you actually won, and you move to sit between them. Their arguing turns into kissing about halfway through, like you'd expected it to, but only briefly. Vriska breaks off her kiss with Terezi and turns to look at you with a cocky smile.

VRISKA: June, you're invited, you know.  
VRISKA: It's more fun when everyone gets to........

She leans closer and whispers in your ear.

VRISKA: Particip8.

So particip8 you do, hesitating at first, but then catching a bit of enthusiasm. Vriska smells so nice, and your lips are on hers in a heartbeat and do moirails even kiss? does that even include kissing? You start to falter, to hesitate again, but she starts running her fingers through the cowlicks and curls of your hair again, like she always does, and you fall into her. Terezi makes a grand show of leaning in to lick your face, and you can't help yourself. You laugh a little at the texture of her weird, alien tongue on your cheek. 

TEREZI: 4R3 YOU L4UGH1NG 4T M3?

You come up for air just long enough to manage a "yeah, pretty much" before you feel something shar- Christ, is she biting your ear? Yeah, she's definitely.... why does it not hurt? You're pretty sure that being bitten by someone with teeth that sharp should hurt. But you don't feel any pain, and no warm liquid starts running down your neck. She didn't even break the skin. Just a playful nibble. Yeah, you could have her do that again. The two troll girls turn their attention to each other again, and you don't even feel a little left out at this point, just slightly confused. You're not sure what to do with their society's romance system, how any of this figures in, or what you're doing next. Terezi taps you on the shoulder, snapping you out of your brief reverie.

TEREZI: WH4T'S BOUNC1NG 4ROUND 1N YOUR TH1NKSPONG3 3GB3RT?  
TEREZI: YOU'R3 FL4SH FROZ3N LIKE Y3ST3RD4Y'S F1NB34ST >:\  
JUNE: oh, nothing. just...  
JUNE: am i allowed to do this?   
JUNE: be happy with both of you?  
JUNE: i still don't understand how the quadrants work, but doesn't it mean i'm supposed to like, hate one of you?  
TEREZI: SOM3D4Y 1'M GO1NG TO T34CH YOU 4LT3RN14N   
TEREZI: YOUR L4NGU4G3 1S FOR STUP1D W1GGL3RS  
TEREZI: I H4T3 YOU 3GB3RT  
TEREZI: BUT TH4T'S NOT TH3 S4M3 4S YOUR 34RTH H4T3  
TEREZI: JUST L1K3 VR1SK4 P1T13S YOU  
VRISKA: Yep. From the 8ottom of my pusher. <>  
TEREZI: 4ND TH4T DO3SN'T M34N TH3 S4M3 TH1NG 4S YOUR 34RTH P1TY  
TEREZI: 1 L1K3 YOU JUN3  
TEREZI: B31NG 4ROUND YOU 1RR1T4T3S M3 B3C4US3 1T'S 4 CH4LL3NG3  
TEREZI: ON 4LT3RN14 1 WOULDN'T H4V3 3V3R L1K3D YOU  
TEREZI: 4 K1SM3S1S 1S SUPPOS3D TO SH4RP3N YOU  
JUNE: but you're basically the sharpest person i know?  
TEREZI: 3X4CTLY >;]  
TEREZI: TOO SH4RP  
TEREZI: YOU'R3 THE DULL3ST SWORD 1N TH3 4RMORY JUN3 3GB3RT  
TEREZI: 4ND TH4T'S 4 GOOD TH1NG  
JUNE: you just insulted me though?

Vriska laughs, and your eyebrows crinkle down in frustration. Is she laughing at you? Are both of them just mocking you?

VRISKA: Pyrope, you're just confusing her.  
JUNE: kinda, but you're not helping. it feels like both of you are just being assholes.  
TEREZI: TH3N 1'M S4Y1NG 1T WRONG   
TEREZI: 1 DON'T W4NT TO B3 4 R4ZOR'S 3DG3 4NYMOR3 JUN3  
TEREZI: 4ND B31NG W1TH YOU H3LPS M3 B3 L3SS OF 4 W34PON 4ND MOR3 OF 4 P3RSON  
JUNE: that's how you feel?  
JUNE: and that's what you call hate?  
TEREZI: TH3 ROM4NT1C K1ND OF H4T3 1S 4 CH4LL3NG3 1N YOUR F4C3  
TEREZI: DO B3TT3R  
TEREZI: B3 B3TT3R  
TEREZI: 4ND 1T GO3S BOTH W4YS  
JUNE: yeah, if that's what you mean by hate, then it does  
JUNE: i think i hate you too  
TEREZI: 1 KNOW <3<  
JUNE: did you just han solo me?  
JUNE: i cannot believe we were having such a moment and you just han soloed me.  
JUNE: oh. yeah, this is definitely that feeling.   
JUNE: well, i call your star wars reference and raise you…  
JUNE: asking you out.  
JUNE: terezi pyrope, will you be my girlfriend?  
TEREZI: NO 3GB3RT  
TEREZI: 1 W4S 3XPL41N1NG MY F33L1NGS FOR YOU S4RC4ST1C4LLY  
TEREZI: OF COURS3 1'LL B3 YOUR 34RTH G1RLFR13ND JUN3

She laughs, a quieter laugh than the earsplitting cackle she usually has, and takes your hand in her own. Vriska holds her hand out too, and you take it in your other hand. The three of you have goofy (and slightly terrifying) grins on your faces, and you know from the bottom of your heart that with all three of you together, there's absolutely nothing that could ever stop you. You won the game eight years ago, but today? Today is the first time you actually feel like you've won something worth winning.


End file.
